


Crowd Full of Strangers

by MissKiraBlue



Series: Every Tomorrows [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Adulthood, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Bars and Pubs, Brother-Sister Relationships, Coincidences, Consequences, Dancing and Singing, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, F/F, F/M, Family, Fate & Destiny, Female Friendship, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Friendship, Healthy Relationships, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Music, Neighbors, New York City, POV Hinata Shouyou, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, POV Kageyama Tobio, POV Oikawa Tooru, POV Ushijima Wakatoshi, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio, Pro Volleyball Player Ushijima Wakatoshi, Protective Older Brothers, Rare Pairings, References to Depression, Romance, Second Chances, Sibling Bonding, Slow Burn, Souls, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Time Skips, Violence, Weddings, accidental meetings, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23303182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKiraBlue/pseuds/MissKiraBlue
Summary: Kageyama is now an adult. All of them are.After what happened at the party, no one will ever be the same. But maybe life wanted it to be that way.Maybe there was a reason for all the things that had happened in Kageyama's life.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro & Iwaizumi Hajime & Matsukawa Issei & Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro & Matsukawa Issei, Hinata Shouyou & Iwaizumi Hajime, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou & Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kageyama Tobio & Tsukishima Kei, Kageyama Tobio & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kawanishi Taichi & Shirabu Kenjirou, Oikawa Tooru & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oohira Reon & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Past Kageyama Tobio/Hinata shouyou - Relationship, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Tanaka Ryuunosuke & Tanaka Saeko, Tanaka Saeko/Original Male Character(s), Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori & Yamagata Hayato, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Every Tomorrows [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1246454
Comments: 182
Kudos: 258





	1. I arrived in Tomorrow, At 11:00  And Found Metanoia

**Author's Note:**

> GUYS WE ARE HERE AND I AM SO EXCITED EYE-
> 
> YOU ARE NOT READY, YALL HAVE NO IDEA EYE-
> 
> :333333
> 
> SCREAM AT ME IN THE COMMENTS

FINAL PART

**Crowd**

**Full**

**of**

**Strangers**

**Chapter 1**

**I arrived in Tomorrow,**

**At 11:00**

**And**

**Found**

**Metanoia**

Hinata doubted he would ever forget how it felt to be killed.

He was scared going out to town. He was scared going anywhere, but who could really blame him when–

_When I have died so many times?_

He was scared of sudden movements, he was scared of crowds, he was scared of loud noises or sounds, not to mention being out in the wide open. He was only okay going to this party, he was only okay being here, he was only okay actually _staying_ here because–

_I knew he would be here._

But now, Hinata felt _sick._

He started to breathe rapidly, his chest growing, blooming like a flower – the music and the cheer of the people were too loud even though Hinata felt like he couldn't hear anything other than–

Other than–

_“...That I only knew the rules because Kageyama told me...”_

Because if he knew, because if Kageyama knew all this time... all this time.... Then?

_He let me die._

Hinata’s eyes shut down in pain as he brought a hand over his beating heart, he leaned down fearing he might fall to the ground.

He stopped moving when he remembered something he had told Saeko.

_“...Why do you love Kageyama?”_

_Saeko had a serious expression on her face and Hinata had to stop for a minute, putting together his thoughts._

_Hinata had so many reasons to love Kageyama._

_He made him whole, he vanished his sadness and sorrow and pain, he helped him to get better, he helped him to be able to play and win, he had such a nice, handsome smile. Even if he was stall, he still bent down whenever Hinata wanted a kiss or a whisper something. He was the only one who always said something different, did something different in every yesterday. He made Hinata realize what he has been searching for in his entire life._

_Hinata had so many reasons to love Kageyama. Yet, the one that really made his heart accelerate, the one that really made his soul feel at peace was–_

_“He makes me feel alive...”_

Hinata stopped moving

_He was the only one who always said something different, did something different in every yesterday._

And Hinata felt the bile vanish from his throat as the rage took him over like a wildfire in a forest.

Because that means–

_He mocked me._

Hinata saw red.

_He knew what I was going through, he knew I died every single day–_

And Kageyama

did

nothing

at

all.

And before Hinata knew it, he turned around to search for this monster.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Tsukishima was holding Kageyama as he was screaming.

Several minutes passed before Kageyama could breathe normally again, become composed. He was holding onto Tsukishima as if he was the only thing in this world that could make a person stay.

_Maybe he was._

Kageyama didn’t have Mitsuko anymore after all.

His heart fell apart again – the glasses struck his ribcage and he couldn’t breathe yet again.

“Kageyama,” he heard Tsukishima speak. His voice felt odd, even for him. “You’re not well.”

Kageyama laughed, it soon turned into a coughing fit. “My, my, you almost sound like you care.”

Tsukishima just sighed and let go of Kageyama, who moved to sit down on the side of a bathtub, leaning forward to bury his face into his hands.

_I just can’t even look into Hinata’s face without guilt or disgust._

But that was the only option to save him – should Kageyama just have left him for dead?

_But you changed him. You changed his soul._

Kageyama gave out a tired sigh and rubbed his eyes, feeling the weight of his sins, feeling the hopeless light of finding peace being washed away by the sea.

He’ll never find peace.

_You never will._

“You’re destroying yourself,” Tsukishima spoke again, his voice making Kageyama to give him attention. The blond boy was leaning on the wall, half of his body was reflecting in the mirror next to him. The bronze lines around his wrists made him glow with gold. “I hate seeing people destroy themselves.”

Kageyama laughed again, it was a rather ugly one. “You should get used to it then.”

Tsukishima gave him a look. “Or,” he began, “You should solve this problem of yours. If he won’t tell you, then you tell him.”

_I wish I could tell._

Kageyama shook his head, smiling, laughing at his own situation. “Don’t you think I would have told him already, if I could?”

Tsukishima gave him silence.

“Why are you so afraid of this?” he asked Kageyama. “You? Of all people? Do you really think Hinata won’t forgive you? _You_?” Tsukishima snorted, gesturing, “you’re his everything, Kageyama–”

Pain flashed in Kageyama’s eyes and Tsukishima stopped talking, even his hands stopped in the air between gestures. Their eyes met and Kageyama realized Tsukishima finally connected the dots.

“You don’t really care if he forgives you or not,” Tsukishima said with widened eyes, his voice quieted down.

Kageyama waited for him to finish, waiting for the fatal blow.

He felt his heart become lighter for someone noticed his problem as well.

“Because you won’t forgive yourself, no matter what.”

And Kageyama hated himself for that.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

Ushijima felt like this was the end.

_I shouldn’t have told him._

But eventually it would have been revealed in some way or another, right?

Ushijima didn’t do anything _too_ bad.

Right?

But his loud, beating heart told him otherwise. A person could feel if they had done wrong and this was especially something crucial, because Hinata – at first – couldn’t even breathe, and then he stormed off looking absolutely terrifying.

_This won’t end well._

Not to mention how Ushijima was about to crash another one of Katashi’s parties. For God’s sakes.

_Where is Tendou when you need him?_

Ushijima must be looking like a lunatic at the moment. Desperately trying to find Kageyama and Hinata at the same damn time.

This was going to be a disaster. Really. He was only hoping for he could find one of them _before_ the other.

Ushijima was searching everywhere, bumped into everyone, even punched someone – again – but didn’t find anyone. He almost gave up but he decided he should go check some of the bathrooms as well.

And Ushijima was the luckiest man alive.

Because when he moved to turn the doorknob, it was already wide open. Because when he raised his head he saw blue eyes.

Because he could tell this Kageyama before the boy ran into Hinata:

“He knows.”

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama have felt his world crash countless times before.

But neither of them felt like it couldn’t be repaired.

Neither of them felt finite.

Not even Mitsuko.

Because he could still visit her and see her. She just wouldn’t know who he was.

But after this? After this–

_I will probably never see Hinata._

And Kageyama rushed out of the bathroom into a crowd full of strangers to find Hinata, but he didn’t need to run far.

Because there he stood, in the centre of the room, looking at Kageyama with cold eyes.

No one really noticed the tension yet, no one really noticed what was about to come yet but it didn’t really matter. Not for Kageyama anyway.

Because he just couldn’t look away from this cold eyes.

The same ones who gave him warmth, the same ones who stood up for him so bravely, so brightly.

The same ones that told him he was loved.

_But Hinata wasn’t red anymore._

He wasn't the same and he never would be.

_Because you violently tore his soul._

Which didn’t really matter anymore.

_Because you still let him die._

**––––––––––––––––––––**

“You knew,” Hinata started to speak and the music stopped with a great halt. People quieted down and everyone was looking at them. “You knew all this time and you didn’t say anything. You monster.”

Hinata was burning, the fire wanted to consume him whole. He wanted to punch Kageyama, he wanted to make him pay, he wanted to cry, he wanted to beg, he wanted to know, he wanted to know, he wanted to know–

“Did you enjoy it, Kageyama?” Hinata noticed with joy how Kageyama winced hearing his name. Not _Tobio_ anymore.

Hinata’s fury turned cold for a minute.

_He will never be Tobio again._

“Enjoyed it?” Kageyama echoed, his expression was torn.

Hinata was _disgusted_.

It must have shown on his face too, because Kageyama winced again. Hinata find himself not caring, as if anything he had ever felt for this boy

_vanished_.

“Did you enjoy it when you told me the same sentences over and over again, every single day?” Hinata asked with a mocking tone. “Did you feel powerful? How you knew everything and I had no idea that you did?” Hinata turned to Tsukishima and his eyes turned ice. “I guess this means you knew it, too?” Hinata shook his head with a pained smile as if he didn’t believe his life. “I trusted you, I even told you that I–”

“Hinata–” Tsukishima began, he somehow appeared to be worried.

Hinata sneered. “I can’t believe how well you can act,” he leaned a bit close to them, his voice felt like venom. “You had to really grasp some of your talent there while stopping me when I wanted to kill myself, huh?” He didn't even wait for the response, he just turned back to Kageyama. “Now that I come to think of it,”

The room turned too quiet when Hinata said:

“Where were you then?”

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama couldn't find his voice.

Or his voice couldn’t find him.

_“...Where were you then...?”_

I couldn’t go.

I

couldn’t

go.

But nothing came out of his mouth.

“I don’t really wanna hear it, you know,” Hinata said quietly, breaking every piece of him. “Because nothing could ever make this better, whatever you might say.”

_You’re right._

It was so silent, it was so much that Kageyama couldn’t even look up.

“You know what’s more disgusting Kageyama?” Hinata laughed and it _hurt._ “That you even remembered our first argument and you never apologized – you never did anything,” Hinata’s voice became strained and Kageyama looked up to see him, being on the verge of crying.

Kageyama’s sight turned blurry as he tried to take a step forward, but Hinata took one back.

His blood ran cold.

“You don’t understand do you?” Hinata cried, hugging himself. “That’s the whole reason why I kept–” he trailed off, looking away.

_Why he kept dying._

“And you didn’t even do anything about – still don’t do anything about it,” he closed his eyes for a moment. “This is breaking me, you’re breaking me,” he whispered. “I can’t even look at you right now,” Hinata told Kageyama, in the terrifying silence everyone was looking at him. “I don’t even know who I’m talking to right now.”

Maybe Kageyama died then.

Because that was somehow the first time Hinata had seen his true self. Well, most of it anyway.

And he couldn’t even look at him.

_“...I don’t even know who I’m talking to right now...”_

Maybe Kageyama really died then.

The old one? The new one?

He had no idea.

But some part of him definitely did.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“I think we should leave each other alone. For good.” Hinata said, still not looking at Kageyama. “Please Kageyama, don’t even try to come near me, okay? It’s just,” Hinata sighed and turned around to leave. “Just don’t.”

And he left.

Hinata really

did

_leave_.

Kageyama did not notice what was going on until Ushijima was shaking his shoulders and they were standing outside of that house saying, “Go visit Hajime.”

Kageyama felt too numb, too slow, so he just only nodded and started walking.

He just walked and walked and walked.

He knew after tomorrow he would be all alone.

**–––––––––––––––**

“Iwaizumi,” Kageyama said, standing next to his bed.

_Help me._

Iwaizumi looked at Kageyama. Really looked.

_I’m alone. Completely alone._

Kageyama froze when Iwaizumi reached out and intertwined their fingers. As if Iwaizumi knew what to do. There was such a deep understanding in that touch.

_Someone who understood what it meant to have such a burden._

Iwaizumi spoke quietly, close to midnight as the clock sang, and asked,

“What have you done?”

_You monster._

And Kageyama couldn't look away. Maybe he was really dying, he felt like he was, his tears were dry on his cheek, he could still remember what Hinata screamed, he

felt

it

was

the

end.

“Something horrible.”

**–––––––––––––––––––––––**

At the end of the day, Kageyama realized he haven’t looked, not even once, at Hinata’s grey lines.


	2. Back to:0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my adorable–evils!!! 
> 
> LET'S FUCKING GO!!!! MY FAV PART BEGINS!!! I'm enjoying this a lot and I think this is the best chapter I have written so far :3333
> 
> Love you guys and I hope you will love this :D 
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos, bookmarks and comments as well :))) I love them and I appreciate them and thank you guys for existing!!!

**Chapter 2**

**Back to:0**

“Something horrible,” Kageyama whispered and then closed his eyes.

The clock struck close to midnight in the hospital. Kageyama had no idea how he got here, he didn’t even remember walking through the corridors. He heard his own breathing and Iwaizumi’s – his own was more controlled, to his surprise.

The beeping sound of Iwaizumi’s vital signals were somewhat calming to Kageyama. Iwaizumi didn’t let go his hand– their fingers were still intertwined. The older boy gave more strength to his hold.

It made Kageyama open his eyes and face reality.

“Kageyama,” Iwaizumi began, shaking Kageyama out of his own world. “What’s wrong?”

_“…You monster…”_

Kageyama let out a deep breath and turned around to look for a chair for him to sit down – without letting Iwaizumi’s hand go –, and when he found one he pulled it close to the hospital bed and sat down.

Iwaizumi’s hospital room was clean, surrounded by deep blue walls, flowers on the nightstand. Kageyama also saw some gifts, food and drinks.

It made him realize something.

His heart stopped as he turned back to look at Iwaizumi’s soul line. It wasn’t grey.

It

was not

grey

anymore.

_White means protector, the utmost protection._

Kill one to save another.

“You saved him,” Kageyama realized, his voice was out of this world. “You saved Oikawa.”

_Iwaizumi has white soul._

Like him.

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened and his hold got stronger, it almost broke Kageyama’s hand as he leaned up from his bed and got closer to him. “Kageyama,” Iwaizumi echoed his tone, “you did this, didn’t you?”

_Iwaizumi won’t have powers because Kageyama has them. Iwaizumi won’t have powers because Kageyama can only give powers to those who killed someone else and not themselves in order to protect._

_So that would mean Iwaizumi couldn’t see souls._

Kageyama’s whole world stopped at a halt.

But Iwaizumi still had a white soul.

As if all the clocks forgot how to work, as if every traffic in this world vanished from all the roads. His sight turned blurry as he tried to get out of Iwaizumi’s hold, but he didn’t let him go.

_Could it be–_

“I know you did, you don’t feel human to me and I have no idea why,” Iwaizumi began with a strong voice with fearless eyes. “I don’t know Kageyama, since I woke up after my suicide everything became easier and lighter, it was–”

_Could he talk to another white soul–_

And before Kageyama knew it, his voice began to sing like a bird on the first day of spring. “I created it for you and Hinata because Oikawa had the darkest soul I have ever seen and I knew he would kill himself, but you were grey and I can only give greys a time loop–”

Iwaizumi’s eyes began to widen more and more with every word.

“–and I knew you could save him, but then Hinata died and he wasn’t grey to begin with. But then he said something that turned him grey and I could give him a time loop,” his voice turned weak, “but he died every single day, Iwaizumi and I watched him die because I couldn’t do anything because what I did was _wrong._ ”

Kageyama’s throat was aching as he cried and laid his head on the bed, closing his eyes. “What I did was wrong– you’re not supposed to tore someone’s soul, you’re not supposed to use a person’s last wish in your own benefit, but I couldn’t let hime die–”

“Kageyama–”

“He even tried to commit suicide, I bet he feels that something is wrong with him and god, Iwaizumi, he will never know why. He won’t ever feel comfortable in his own skin,” Kageyama felt himself break. “Maybe I should have let him die.”

It got eerily quiet.

Kageyama could feel Iwaizumi move and then felt a hand lay on his hair. His heart calmed down as Iwaizumi started moving his hand, ever so gently. “You didn’t let Oikawa die,” Iwaizumi began softly. “How could you have left Hinata there then, Kageyama?”

Kageyama moved his head and opened his eyes, feeling like a little kid.

Even after all the things he had gone through, even after the killing and all that violence in his life–

He felt like a little kid as Iwaizumi gave him an encouraging smile.

Kageyama was staring at Iwaizumi’s white soul. It was as broad as Ushijima’s was. Their souls looked the exact same, except a color.

Their souls seemed to reach for the sky.

_As if they were as mighty as God._

Kageyama wondered, for the first time in his life, how his white soul would like look to someone else. “I disrespected the rules,” he found himself saying to Iwaizumi. “Sometimes I can get away with little things – that’s what I noticed –, but what I did now was unforgivable.”

“Unforgivable?” Iwaizumi repeated with interest. “What do you mean?”

Kageyama nodded, it felt like some of the weights were lifted up from his chest. “My punishment for changing Hinata’s soul in order to save him is that I can’t talk about his time loop with him. There could also be several other things as well which I hadn’t noticed so far,” he breathed deeply. “and I can’t talk about my power. I can’t talk about it at all.”

“But you’re talking about it to me?” Iwaizumi asked, his gaze was entirely focused on Kageyama. “You can do that?”

Kageyama hesitated as his blue eyes stayed on Iwaizumi. “Your soul is like mine. That’s why we can talk about it,” Kageyama swallowed as he continued, “You killed to save someone,” his heart was beating loudly, “You killed yourself to save Oikawa.”

Iwaizumi froze, white as the wall as he touched Kageyama’s forearm. “Killed?” he echoed. “Kageyama, did you–”

“I did,” Kageyama’s voice was quiet. “Just not myself.”

Kageyama expected Iwaizumi to pull back, to be repulsed, for his eyes change into something dark, something which was filled with disgust–

But nothing like that happened.

Iwaizumi stared at him for a while, brought the back of Kageyama’s hands close to his face, and then laid his forehead on his knuckles, whispering, 

“You’re not alone anymore.”

Kageyama pressed his lips into a thin line as his soul clenched in his ribcage, folding his heart into two. There was silence, hours and hours passed by without another word being said.

But then Iwaizumi spoke again. “Thank you,” he said as he looked into Kageyama in the eye. “Thank you for giving me a chance to save Oikawa.”

Kageyama’s heart ached. “It must have been hard for you, Iwaizumi,” he said with shaking voice, scared for what, he had no idea.

“It was,” Iwaizumi looked down at his arm. “But Wakatoshi helped me a lot.”

Kageyama found himself smiling. “So I’ve heard,” he gently touched Iwaizumi’s arm, feeling the scar as if he was the one who carved it. His smile died. “Ushijima helped me accept myself. He’s special, like Tendou,” his gaze glided towards the windows, watching the golden, blue and green city glow like an eternal being. “Rare people like them are hard to find,” he finished lightly.

“You’re saying goodbye.”

Kageyama didn’t answer. He let go of Iwaizumi’s arm and stood up from the chair, walked towards the windows and let his fingertips touch the surface. As if he could crush the whole city beneath his skin.

As if he could see all the souls in the whole world, blinding him.

“There’s nothing left for me here,” Kageyama stated in a calm voice, but inside he was ripping his skin alive. “When Hinata looks at me, he sees a monster. When I look at him, I see his dead body.”

Kageyama looked down to see cars going to every direction, how everything was so lively and real in this world.

He used to love this.

The way how Seung changed every person’s soul by singing or playing on his guitar. How he saw the possibility in everything. How he helped catching a bride, how he talked to Park in a church, how he befriended with Akira, how he met every important person in his life.

He used to love all of this.

But now–

_It felt like Hinata took me with him when he died._

Kageyama already missed himself.

He felt his mourn deep within and it was cold and unmoving, like rocks in a vicious ocean, and Kageyama said with a voice of someone who was already forgotten,

“I just want to go somewhere where nobody knows my name.”

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Tsukishima saw his world being ripped apart as he was standing in the center of the party, watching Ushijima escort Kageyama to the other direction, and Hinata going to the opposite one.

He didn’t want to admit to himself but he grew fond of both, in the most ridiculous manner as possible.

He did not know where to go. Left or right? Right or left?

Everyone in the house was stunned and someone started to make them move because the party was over and oh god–

_Did this really happen?_

His chest clenched as he took a step towards left but then stopped, and changed his mind to the right, stopping again.

“Jesus christ,” Tsukishima said through his teeth to himself. “Just do something already.”

“Kei,” Yamaguchi gently took his hand. Tsukishima felt relief wash over him, he leaned on Yamaguchi with all his remaining strength. “I will go find Hinata, you go after Ushijima.”

“Alright.” Tsukishima nodded, feeling a bit dizzy. Must have been all the shock getting to him. “He wouldn’t want to see me now, anyway.”

“Let’s just hope he would, later,” Yamaguchi kissed Tsukishima’s hand and then let him go, already moving to find Hinata.

Tsukishima pulled him back one more time to press a feather light kiss on the top of his head. “Thank you, Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi nodded and then vanished in the crowd.

Tsukishima turned to left and moved.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Ushijima wanted to break his phone.

He was tapping the screen with rapid speed and as much power as if he wanted to destroy the surface. “Tendou, pick it up, pick it up!” He raised the phone over his head and waited.

He picked it up.

“Huh, it’s weird that you’re the one who called first–“

“Tendou,” Ushijima began, trying to calm down but he wasn’t succeeding at all. “Hinata knows about Kageyama being the first one in the time loop.”

“So?” Tendou asked calmly.

Ushijima felt as if he had been slapped. “What do you mean, _so_?” He even shook his head as if he heard it wrong. He was pacing in front of the house, already seeing some people leave. _I hope Katashi won’t make us have another party on his behalf._ Ushijima cringed, and then continued, “Hinata died every single day and Kageyama knew and… well… he didn’t tell Hinata–”

“He must have had a good reason then,” Tendou spoke again, being just as calm. “If someone does things with a good reason, then it’s Kageyama. Of course, I don’t know how Hinata feels or what he has gone through, but I know Kageyama has a lot more on his plate and he doesn’t need this drama to be put on the pile, ‘kay?” Tendou stopped for a moment before saying, “You know this kid as well, Wakatoshi. You only called me to make sure your hunch is right.”

Ushijima couldn’t even breathe. He adjusted his baseball cap and took his first, deep breath. “Thank you, Tendou,” Ushijima said, clutching his phone. “I feel a lot calmer. You’re right. I just don’t know what to do or how to help, or–”

“It’s simple,” Tendou began, “you can’t. I know you want to help, who wouldn’t? But Kageyama… let him handle this on his own, okay? After all, he’s the only one who knows himself. And for Hinata,” Tendou got quiet for a couple of minutes. “Imagine being dead and then come back, only to wait for the end of the day, before you die again.”

Ushijima felt shivers run down his spine.

“I’m scared of dying Wakatoshi, and I will only die once,” Tendou’s voice cut blood when he said, “Imagine being scared of dying, but you die every single day.”

Ushijima’s hand were shaking as he was holding his phone. His legs felt weak and he, himself, felt suddenly weak as well–

“We can’t help them,” Tendou said, “because we have no idea how to. Don’t beat up yourself over this, big guy, okay? We have to get the husky puppy for Makki, focus on that instead. A little bit of a distraction should help, right?”

Ushijima deeply breathed through his nose. “Okay, we can’t help then,” he let it out. “Thanks.”

“Come over to sleep,” Tendou began again. “You sound like you need your best friend.”

Ushijima smiled. “And who is that? You?” he acted as if he was amused.

Tendou started to stutter. “Who else would be you… you…. oaf?!”

“Whoa,” Ushijima said. “That’s an insult.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake just hang up.”

Ushijima laughed and hung up, shaking his head a little, feeling a bit better. He put the phone back into the pocket of his jacket and gave out a loud sigh.

“There’s no way.”

Ushijima flinched as he heard a new voice behind him. He turned around and noticed someone. A blond younger boy – oh right, he was there when Hinata tried to kill himself, Ushijima recalled the fight in his mind, everything Hinata had shouted.

“Ushijima,” he walked close to him, he looked devastated. Ushijima’s heart clenched. “You really think we can’t do anything?”

Ushijima had no idea who this was, why everything had to fall down on their heads today. He just walked to him and patted his shoulders. “They are the ones who have to sort this out. Sometimes all you can do is watch as all hell break loose.”

He heard the boy’s loud sob, he hugged him and cried onto Ushijima’s shoulders.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Yamaguchi paled when he found Hinata sitting out in the terrace, hugging his knees, lying his forehead on his legs. He looked so small, so vulnerable and lost.

He tried to get closer to him slowly and when he got close enough, he gently touched the smaller boy’s shoulders and pulled him closer, hugging him. Hinata just cried silently, leaning on Yamaguchi’s shoulder.

Seeing Hinata like this… Hinata whose smile was as bright as the sun’s, who was the energy of this small world–

_Looking so lonely._

Yamaguchi then saw Yachi.

Her eyes were wide and filled with tears, she was shaking when she looked down at him. She started crying even more as she sat down to the other side of Hinata and hugged him. Then Kiyoko appeared in front of them, looking lost and–

She pressed his lips into a thin line, as if she was trying to control herself. She came to Hinata and started caressing his shoulders, trying to give him comfort.

They were all listening as Hinata was losing himself

Yamaguchi’s chin began to tremble, and he felt tears rolling down on his cheek.

**–––––––––––––––––**

“I will kill him!”

Tsukishima flinched from the hug and stepped away from Ushijima, hearing the sudden loud voice coming from his left.

He froze when he saw Tanaka.

He had never seen him so angry before in all his life. His expression was torn but his eyes were a force – they were narrow and his chin was high.

“Ryuu!” Nishinoya shouted, running after Tanaka. “Don’t do it– just– Jesus Christ, stop for a moment!”

He looked terrifying as he walked out of the house and followed the path Kageyama took.

Ushijima and Tsukishima exchanged a glance and then hurried after Tanaka and Nishinoya. Ushijima looked as equally panicked as Tsukishima so that almost made his heartbeat calm down. Almost.

But Tanaka did not stop at all.

“I have no idea what he did,” Tanaka began shouting back, probably to Nishinoya. “All I know, is that Shouyou tried to kill himself and Kageyama knew it and did _nothing– oh I’m going to fucking snap his neck–_ ”

“Ryuu, we have no idea what happened, slow _the_ _fuck_ _down_!” Nishinoya said through his teeth, not stopping either.

“Tanaka–senpai!” Tsukishima began to shout, still trying to catch up. “Please slow down and hear me out–”

Tanaka when he heard Tsukishima’s voice actually stopped and whirled around to face him. Tsukishima almost ran into him, but then he found himself being the target of those ice cold eyes and he was _so scared_.

“ _You_ ,” Tanaka began and tried to grab Tsukishima by his collar, but Nishinoya grabbed Tanaka’s hand and held him back, while Ushijima stepped in front of Tsukishima and shielded him. “ _You_ ,” Tanaka said again, trying to struggle out of Nishinoya’s hold. “He said you had saved him – you should have told us what he tried to do, Tsukishima. Did you think we wouldn’t care? We? His teammates?” Tanaka was showing his teeth as if he was trying to rip Tsukishima’s throat out.

“Calm the fuck down–”

“I could have helped him, Noya!” Tanaka yelled from the back of his throat and everyone stopped.

Everything just stopped.

Tsukishima heard his heart froze and then start beating again. “Tanaka–senpai,” he began quietly, hesitantly, his eyes wide, “what… do you…what–”

Nishinoya’s eyes broke as he let go of Tanaka, who stopped struggling and was standing in one place, closing his eyes.

Tanaka lowered his head, clenching his fists.

He looked like a soldier standing on the warfront, surrounded by his fellow dead comrades, enjoying the rain as it washed away all the blood on his body.

It was so overwhelming that it made Tsukishima step back and he almost fell on his knees if Ushijima hadn’t gripped his shoulders to support him.

Nishinoya wiped his eyes with his forearm and then Tanaka moved to hug him. They were standing below the moon and the stars, the quiet murmur of the city.

_It oddly felt like a goodbye._

But who were they saying goodbye to?

To Kageyama?

To Hinata?

_No._

Tsukishima’s shoulders started shaking.

_To their old life._

They were saying goodbye to their old selves.

_Because nothing will ever be the same again._

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“They haven’t moved for a long time,” Suga said looking at Yachi, Yamaguchi and Hinata sitting out at the terrace.

Daichi furrowed his brows and clenched the empty, red glass in his hand. “I don’t have a single clue when did things get so wrong.” He moved to drop it into the trash.

Kiyoko was standing next to them with worried eyes, Asahi was trying to give her comfort by gripping her shoulders, but it looked like as if he was doing that to make _himself_ feel more comfortable.

Suga was still staring at them. “All I understood, was that Hinata tried to kill himself and–”

“–and Kageyama knew about it and did nothing,” Asahi finished the sentence with narrowed eyes. “This sounds fishy, though. Right?”

“You’re telling me,” Kiyoko spoke with an unnerving voice. “Kageyama? Not doing anything? When it comes to Hinata?”

Suga hummed and folded his arms in front of his chest. “Tsukishima was mentioned. He saved Hinata?”

“Seems like it.” Daichi nodded. “He knows something.”

“Guys!” Ennoshita rushed in, panicked and weirdly distraught. “Tanaka ran after Kageyama. Nishinoya is trying to stop him but I don’t know if he can do that all by himself.”

Suga got even paler, Asahi gripped harder Kiyoko’s shoulders who turned very alarmed. “Go after them!” Daichi shouted, pointing at the door. Ennoshita nodded and then hurried after them.

Daichi was tense – he had never been so tense in his entire life. It was just–

_How could everything fall apart so quickly?_

Suga slowly intertwined their fingers together, giving him a reassuring squeeze. Daichi sent him a grateful look and pressed a kiss on Suga’s knuckles.

He looked over and saw Katashi talking to Kuroo and Lev, they were looking tense as well. Kenma was standing next to them, staring at Hinata with an unreadable look in his eyes.

It sent shivers down on Daichi’s spine and he had no idea why.

“What will happen to the team now?” Asahi asked the question everyone desperately wanted to ask the whole night.

Daichi felt cold all over. He couldn’t even find his words, couldn’t even try to start searching for them. It turned out he didn’t have to.

Suga gave the honest truth when he spoke with ice cold voice.

“What team?”

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama was walking home and he was trying to look for souls that could ease his pain. He realized soon that nothing could ever take this way.

Nothing would ever make this go away.

He dug his grave.

Now was the time to lie in it.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Hinata had no idea where he was or who he was.

He tried not to space out so much but he had no idea whether he was spacing out or not, not even right at this moment. Several people hugged him, caressed his face or touched gently his hair. As if physical endearment could help him recover from whatever had broken him in the first place.

Hinata doubted he would ever feel okay.

He doubted he would ever feel comfortable in his own skin again.

“Shouyou.”

Hinata flinched as he moved his head to the side and met Kenma’s eyes. He gently began to escort him out of the house and Hinata followed him, it felt like as if he was walking on air. “I live near,” Kenma said with a soft tone. “You sleep at mine today, okay?”

It took some time before Hinata realized what Kenma had said, but he nodded nevertheless and walked next to him quietly, silently.

Maybe Hinata really died when that car hit him.

A sudden thought got into his mind, hugging him with comfort and love.

_I should have stayed dead._

**––––––––––––––––––**

No one from Karasuno had any sleep that night.

Suga was thinking about why he couldn’t see this happening. Daichi was blaming himself about not noticing Hinata’s cry for help, sooner. Asahi blamed himself for not realizing any of it. Kiyoko blamed herself for not talking more with Hinata or Kageyama.

Yachi blamed herself because she had been having a weird feeling something was wrong and yet she did nothing about it. Tanaka had told Saeko and they were up, talking about it until the next day.

Nishinoya was talking about it with Ennoshita over the phone, trying to tell him what happened after – what happened with Tanaka. Yamaguchi was looking at Tsukishima with eyes full of pain, seeing how his boyfriend couldn’t even turn to side to side in the bed, let alone cry.

Lev, Kenma or Kuroo wasn’t sleeping either.

Lev was trying to figure out how could a person like Hinata – someone full of happiness, and joy, and hope –, trying to kill themselves. Kuroo was worried for everyone, most of all how Kenma would take this, and Kenma was staring at Hinata as he was sleeping, trying to figure out what could have made Kageyama do what he did.

Ushijima was up, talking to Tendou until dawn. Iwaizumi’s eyes never left the place where Kageyama had been standing, looking down at the glowing city.

Hinata let himself to be eaten away by nightmares.

And Kageyama, even close to five in the morning, was walking in the city, trying to find himself in a crowd full of strangers.

**––––––––––––––––––**

When Kageyama arrived home, Jun was already in the hall, coming towards him and giving him a hug. Kageyama leaned into her embrace and could see the orange, blazing soul attach to his own, like fire on a cold day.

“I knew something was wrong,” Jun said in a small voice, still holding him. “What happened? You’ve been out for a long time. You haven’t done this since a year–”

Kageyama felt like something just _vanished_ inside of him.

As if he could not feel anymore. As if he was nothing and no one.

He felt like that when he said,

“There’s nothing left here anymore,” his mom froze in his hold. “We should move to New York with Akihito.”

Jun just held him more. The orange painted Kageyama’s white soul line. She stepped back for a bit and touched Kageyama’s cheek.

Kageyama noticed he couldn’t cry.

“Tobio,” she whispered with her heart.Their blue eyes met, but this time, Kageyama’s was colder. Jun pressed their foreheads together, making Kageyama lean down a little. “Something really broke you this time.”

Kageyama couldn’t feel. Anything. At all.

“I won’t tell you,” Kageyama said, his voice was unrecognizable even to himself.

“You don’t need to,” his mom’s voice stayed soft and angelic. It felt familiar yet so far away, at the same time. “You will tell me when you’re ready.”

Kageyama gently moved his head and pressed a light kiss on her forehead. “Please, we should move.”

Jun spoke with a determined voice, “Give me four days and we’re out of here.”

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“Does my mom know I’m here?” Hinata asked lightly to Kenma after he had woken up.

Kenma nodded. “My mom called her,” he was lying on the futon, looking up at Hinata who was on his bed. “It will be fine. It’s Saturday, she thinks it’s a sleepover. You’ll go home before Monday, she won’t worry.”

He was quiet.

It frightened Kenma how quiet Hinata was.

He hesitated before he opened his mouth, and decided to speak. “Shouyou–”

“Not now, Kenma,” Hinata turned to the other side and pulled up his covers. “Later.”

Kenma just hummed and tried to hide his worry. He was staring at his friend’s back for a long time before he carefully, asked, “Do you think you want to see him? Not now but soon?”

Hinata didn’t even hesitate. “Never.”

Kenma winced by the quiet, dark voice.

His phone buzzed and Kenma opened the tab. He got a message from Kuroo.

_– How is he?_

Kenma looked back at Hinata, hearing a soft voice. Breathing.

He began to type back.

_– He just got back to sleep_

**––––––––––––––––––––**

“I’m here whatever happens, okay, buddy?” Masashi said over the phone to Kageyama. “I’m on your side, whatever happened.”

Kageyama tried to make his own heart move. He tried to make himself feel something.

Nothing happened.

“Thank you, dad,” he said in a flat voice. “I just need a change of scenery.”

“Whatever you need, Tobio,” his dad replied and then hesitantly continued, “I hope you will find what you’re looking for. In New York.”

Kageyama couldn’t breathe for a while.

Without a single word another said, he ended the call.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“You guys are already _moving_?!” Sora almost yelled in the hospital room, standing next to Iwaizumi who was sitting on the hospital bed.

Oikawa nearly laughed as he clasped Sora by the shoulder. “You wouldn’t be surprised if you knew the capability of my sister’s skill, which we just simply call ‘ _getting things done_.”

Sora actually looked betrayed when Iwaizumi _did_ laugh. “He’s right, you know,” Iwaizumi said lightly. “You just missed out a lot of things lately.”

Sora grimaced and made a face at Iwaizumi. Who, like a reflex, made a face back.

Oikawa was staring at them with fondness.

That was the moment when Matsukawa and Makki entered the room, holding chocolates and flowers.

“I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day,” Sora butted in with a shit eating grin on his face.

Matsukawa walked close to the older boy and, with a newspaper in his hand – where did that come from? – started hitting Sora on the ribs.

Iwaizumi began to panic as he tried to pull them apart – the shrieking Sora and the evil grinning Matsukawa –, Makki pulled out his phone and started to record it, and Oikawa calmly just opened his chocolates and started to eat one of the little piece of sweetness.

“What in the _blue_ _hell_ is happening in here?!” Iwaizumi’s and Oikawa’s parents stormed in.

Matsukawa stopped hitting, throwing the newspaper out of the window. Sora fell down on the floor with a loud cry. Makki quickly put away his phone, trying to muffle his laughter. Iwaizumi stood up from the hospital bed to cover the crime scene with his body, and Oikawa almost choked on one of the chocolates.

“Jesus Christ, Tooru!” Emi shouted.

Oikawa swallowed and then hold up one hand in defense. “I’m okay, mom.”

“You’re giving me a heart attack,” Emi sighed and then walked to Makki, giving him a hug. “I will miss you, kids,” she pulled Matsukawa into the hug as well. “Thank you for being such a good friends to my son.”

Makki and Matsukawa smiled lightly. “It’s nothing Mrs. Oikawa,” as they returned the hug. Sora stood up from the floor and saw the hug – he immediately walked there to join in.

Oikawa snorted and Iwaizumi almost choked on his own spit.

“I’ll miss you too, Oikawa mom,” Sora sang, closing his eyes in anguish, acting like Odette in her final act of Swan lake.

Iwaizumi saw his mom’s jaw fell down, standing at the door. “Sora,” she began. “You actually live there.”

Sora’s eyes snapped open and he moved out from the hug. “True,” he said, looking a bit silly. “Yeah that’s right.”

Makki and Matsukawa stopped hugging Oikawa’s mom. “Don’t tell me you forgot you lived in New York, Sora,” Makki said in a blasé tone.

Sora turned bright red and all of them burst out laughing. Oikawa gave the gifts to his mom and then turned towards his friends. Iwaizumi’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest. Wildly, knowing that the next time he would see his best friend–

_He will be healthy and whole._

Oikawa gave them a little smile as he stepped forward and pulled them all into a hug, one by one, except Iwaizumi.

“Thank you for everything you guys have done,” Oikawa said lightly. Iwaizumi thought he could hear some of them crying, sniffing even. “I will make you proud. I promise.”

“You idiot,” Makki said with red, puffy eyes, crying like a waterfall. “You fucking idiot.”

Matsukawa was crying as well. “Just come back when you…you…you know,” he leaned on Oikawa’s shoulder.

Sora, however, looked proud. “I’ll be there if you need. In a couple of months,” he said with a little smile.

Oikawa nodded, tearing up a little. “Okay,” he said and then moved back. The others let him go and then Oikawa was walking towards Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi’s chest felt too big, his lungs felt too enormous when Oikawa hugged him with all the strength he had.

But he didn’t say anything. Iwaizumi didn’t say anything either.

And after some eternity, Oikawa let him go.

And this time, when Iwaizumi watched him walk away, he knew everything would be alright.

It made his heart easier and lighter.

It made everything a bit more colorful.

As if hope itself nested into all the people’s heart in the room, watching Oikawa starting his new life.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“You’re really sure about this, Kageyama?” Tendou asked, sitting at Ushijima’s terrace with him and Ushijima.

Kageyama was staring at Tendou’s bronze lines, glowing like fireflies during summer. He tried to touch it, but noticed he couldn’t.

As if even souls were repulsed by him.

“All I see now,” Kageyama began with a low voice, “are all the wrong things I have ever done in my life.”

Tendou was staring at him with calmness. “You can’t run away from it,” he said. “But to me, it doesn’t seem like you’re running away, Tobio.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t seem like that.” Ushijima was looking at both of them, before saying. “You look like you’re trying to find something.”

Kageyama’s blood ran cold.

“Maybe something to do?” Ushijima continued slowly, his gaze met with Tendou’s.

“Something to kill?” Tendou continued with a sharp smile.

Ushijima figured it out that Kageyama killed months ago, when Kageyama did not flinch when a mugger pointed a gun at his forehead. He just took it away and pointed it back.

Ushijima didn’t act weird around him, but it made him act more protective towards Kageyama for some reason. As if he was his younger brother or something.

It made him feel sick.

Kageyama got up and turned away to leave. “You will never understand,” he told them as he made his way out of the house–

“Where are you going?”

Kageyama halted in his tracks. He slowly turned his head back because that voice.

That voice always

made

him

stop.

Ushijima’s grandma was staring at him. Her green gaze was blinding with something more, something lively. But it always missed the thing Kageyama hoped for.

Recognition. A spark of something. Anything.

Whenever he visited Ushijima it was inevitable not to run into Mitsuko. She knew him as Ushijima’s close friend, and only that.

Nothing more.

“Where are you going?” Mitsuko repeated, just as gently as she did before.

Kageyama was silent for a minute. “I don’t know either.”

Mitsuko’s face went blank. After what seemed like forever, she asked, “Did you and Wakatoshi have a fight? I’m sure it’s nothing serious.”

Kageyama put a smile on his face. “No, it’s nothing. Really.”

Mitsuko moved closer to him and grabbed his hand. The old skin against his young one took Kageyama way back, a life filled with chances and murder.

And yet he felt nothing.

Because Mitsuko had no idea.

“You’ll come back, right?” She asked, her voice timid and clearly worried. “You’re my favorite out of all his friends after Satori.”

Kageyama’s throat closed off.

“It would be a pity if–”

“I have to go,” Kageyama pulled his hand back and walked away, walked out of that house without every looking back.

He swore he could hear Mitsuko’s walking stick all the way up to home.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama vanished from the earth. As if he never even existed.

He got a new phone, he didn’t read any message he got and he didn’t pick up whoever called him. He said goodbye to Akira, Seung, Gerald and Park.

He packed everything and tried to make himself feel something as he left the house he had grew up in.

He waited.

And waited.

But nothing ever came. 

Monday began and no one knew where he was, in the school. Monday began and no one from Karasuno had any idea where he had gone.

Kageyama vanished from the earth. As if he never even existed.

Maybe he didn’t.

**––––––––––––––––**

_Four days later_

_New York_

Kageyama Tobio was holding food in his hand – cheeseburgers and soda. He was waiting patiently for the elevator, knowing Akihito’s office was at the top.

Kageyama looked down on the phone, reading the message he had received from his stepfather.

_– Can you please bring me food, Tobio? I’m starving :(( I’m still at work._

Kageyama sighed and put his phone away. He was planning to mess with a blue before he got Akihito’s message.

_Way to ruin the fun._

The elevator stopped and Kageyama got in, pressing the highest number.

**––––––––––––––––––**

“Thank you for your time, Tooru.” The psychologist said, bowing to Oikawa. “Same time next week?”

“That’s right Mr. Tachibana,” Oikawa nodded, bowing as well. “Thank you.”

The man smiled a little and then escorted him towards the door.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama was waiting, staring at the numbers going higher and higher.

His mind was at ease.

He felt nothing but at least he was at peace.

_I would have loved to frighten that rapist, though._

Kageyama gave out a dark smile.

_Maybe tomorrow._

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Oikawa Tooru wanted to die.

This was his second meeting with his psychologist but so far, he always walked away thinking this. It was easier to tell everybody in his life – to lie as he always did –, that he wasn’t thinking about doing again.

_I just can’t do it anymore._

I need to keep Iwaizumi alive.

_I just can’t do it anymore._

I need to keep Iwaizumi alive.

Oikawa walked close to the elevator and stood there, feeling somehow out of place. His hands were fidgety, shaking, begging for something to hold and slice his throat with–

_You’re useless, Tooru._

Oikawa lowered his gaze and plastered a smile on himself.

_That won’t help at all and you know that._

_You’re good for nothing._

Sometimes, Oikawa wished he could forget who he was.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama sometimes wondered about his old life.

But then he realized what he was doing and just went out for a hunt again.

It always made him feel better. Made him feel _whole_.

But there were times. Times when he couldn’t get blues for days.

On those days especially, but the truth is–

Sometimes, Kageyama wished he could forget who he was.

**–––––––––––––––––**

The elevator stopped.

The door opened.

They both moved and raised their heads.

**––––––––––––––––**

Oikawa Tooru was looking at Kageyama Tobio.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama Tobio was looking at Oikawa Tooru.

**–––––––––––––––––**

As if time was reversed. As if they were back or forward or nowhere.

If if everything turned back to zero.

It felt like that when they both said,

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the last scene I advise you guys to listen to this song - Cause I imagined the scene with this song in my mind.
> 
> Click [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3TG7ykkl_A)
> 
> Elevator scene starts in the song at: 1:00
> 
> Elevator door opens in the song at: 1:25
> 
> Credits roll in the song at: 1:38
> 
> PS: I LOVE THIS SO MUCH WITH ALL MY HEART AND I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT TOO. Part 5 is a new era :333 We will have so many good things.
> 
> scream at me in the comments


	3. Hit it until it breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII!! My adorable–evils!!!
> 
> Sorry I WAS LATE AGAIN WITH THIS UPDATE!! I was busy with school work cause it's the end of the year!! But I AM SO HAPPY!! We gained a lot of new readers this week!!! Thank you for always commenting and bookmarking, giving me kudos as well!! I love you guys so so much!!
> 
> I will answer the comments ( I know I always say this but now I really mean it xdd)
> 
> HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER And I am really excited how you guys will like it!! Part 5 is my forever fav so I can't wait until it really begins.
> 
> PS: DID EVERYONE CATCH THE TITLE???

**Chapter 3**

**Hit it**

**until**

**it**

**breaks**

You don’t really notice when it happens.

_You wake up every day, doing the same thing you always do. You wake up, go to school or maybe work if you have a job, try to do your best or the least you can do. Then you go to sleepand then wake up again and do the same thing as long as you can carry yourself._

You don’t really notice when it happens.

Oikawa only noticed when he realized he didn’t want to wake up.

**––––––––––––––––––**

A year ago

It was about a year ago the first time he realized something was really off. He and Iwaizumi were eating out with their friends and everybody was cheerful and happy. It’s been awhile since Oikawa seen them like that.

Oikawa could still remember the smell of onions and something spicy – he could still see the brown, almost golden lights burning on candles in the restaurant. Matsukawa was telling a joke, Makki almost choked on his own curry, Iwaizumi turned red because of all the laughing and Oikawa smiled as a new voice cradled him inside of his mind, whispering–

_But would they mourn you?_

It was so sudden and eerie, Oikawa froze on spot.

After he got home, he didn’t sleep for a long time. He was lying in his bead, wide awake, being alone with the voice in his head, which had never been there before.

Something after that, drastically changed.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

It started with the food first, weirdly enough. Whenever he unpacked or saw something delicious, let that be homemade food or not, something happened.

The first time it was a little bento box which his mom had made, while he was sitting in his classroom. Everyone was having lunch and enjoyed their time with their friends, Oikawa was eating alone in peace. He raised the lid and put it aside, then picked up his chopsticks and decided to eat a little vegetable. It was close to his mouth when–

_Shouldn’t you eat less?_

And Oikawa just stopped in his movement, his stomach clenched and he overall found himselfbeing very uncomfortable.

_You will never be perfect. Might as well just eat less, to at least try to look like as if you are._

Oikawa saw someone, only having a sandwich. He looked at him and pointed at his own bento, “Do you want mine?”

The boy looked surprised, looking at Oikawa’s bento. “I can’t accept–”

Oikawa handed it to him with two hands. “Please, I insist.”

_Take it, please._

_I need to look perfect._

The boy took it and bowed to him, saying thanks. He began to eat the bento and then turned to Oikawa. “You’re not hungry? You have something to eat for later, right?”

_Don’t you even dare to eat later._

Oikawa flashed him a smile. “Of course I do, don’t worry.”

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

After a couple of days, something changed again. It was practice, it was the exercise _itself_.It might had been because he didn’t eat as much as he did before, therefore he couldn’t bring his hundred percent self–

_Ah, but you never could, Tooru._

The demon in his head was getting louder by each day. It was sitting on his shoulders, putting weight on his back and on his knee. As if carrying himself wasn’t difficult enough already.

_Why do you keep practicing then? You won’t get better and everyone knows it. You’re at your limit._

He didn’t really want to play anymore. It became painful to even move, let alone play.

The most terrifying thing in all of this, for Oikawa, was that no one noticed he wasn’t doing well.

Was that because he was a good actor? Or maybe he looked so perfect that no one could ever notice something was off?

_Or the answer was simple._

People had their own demons to face.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

One day he noticed Sora’s scars. They were sitting out in the garden, waiting for Iwaizumi to finish his breakfast. The two boys’ parents had already gone to work.

The scars on his arms were white, healed ones. Long and scattered, blending in with at least twenty other lines.

Oikawa thought about it every night when he got home. He wanted to hope for a better tomorrow, that was his only reason for not ending it already.

One day he wouldn’t wait for a better tomorrow. He desperately wanted that day to arrive.

“There are times,” Oikawa found himself saying to Sora into the quiet garden, below the sun, “when I don’t want to wake up anymore.”

It was terrifying to see how much Sora was surprised. How Oikawa could even trick a person like this as well – someone who had wanted to end their life as well.

Sora couldn’t say anything to him for a long time and Oikawa’s eyes looked happy, he had his little smile on his face as always. “Tooru–”

Oikawa kept smiling. “Don’t tell Hajime, okay?”

Sora was the one who looked like the whole word was trying to break him.

**–––––––––––––––––**

Whenever he woke up he felt like he should watch every single movement he was doing. The voice in his head didn’t leave him alone, not for one bit.

_Why are you trying to sleep?_

Oikawa hid it well.

_Why don’t you die, already?_

He played his life as if it was a movie. He played a role. He dressed as well as he did before, if not more, he was accepting every bento he got from every girl there were in the school–

And he never, not even once, hinted on it.

Oikawa walked every single day from school to home, from home to school, drifting aimlessly, like a monster without emotion, like an angel lost on earth, like an undead trying to find a meaning.

_Can I survive this?_

Oikawa asked his demon.

_Not until you’re you._

The demon answered.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

The day Oikawa had been waiting for, came faster than he had expected.

Oikawa stopped walking, the blue eternal glow of the city in the dark night surrounded him and hugged him like an embrace from an old movie. It was like a light guitar on a field of sunflowers.

That was the first time when Oikawa tried to kill himself.

He saw a car, from the end of the street. It would eventually pass by.

_Maybe I should just… step out?_

His demon crawled close and closed his eyes, whispering,

_If you do it, you will finally get rid of me._

Oikawa didn’t even hesitate, he began to move–

“Oikawa–san?”

Oikawa halted in his steps and narrowed his eyes as he saw the car pass by in front of his eyes, like an endless train.

He looked towards the direction of the voice and noticed a girl.

_Nao._

She had light hair and eyes, she was one year above him. She even gave him bento yesterday. It was a nice meal in all honesty, but it ended up in the trash, just the same as others.

She looked worried as Oikawa walked over to her. She was almost as tall as he was. “Nao–chan,” Oikawa purred as he flashed one of his gorgeous smiles. “It must be destiny that we–”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t almost do what I think you wanted to do,” Nao’s eyes turned ice, “Oikawa–san.”

_You can’t even kill yourself properly._

“There’s nothing to fear,” Oikawa didn’t miss a beat, “I didn’t do it.”

Nao was staring at him for a long time, eventually saying, “I walk you home,” she said, already pulling him to the opposite direction where Oikawa was living. “I want to see you as you get into the house and greet your parents.”

Oikawa pulled his hand away and couldn’t control his expression anymore. The ugly anger was always there deep down in him, rarely ever touching the surface, but now–

_It nearly reached up._

“That won’t be necessary,” Oikawa said, his voice was unrecognizable. “You already–”

“ _Ruined your plan?_!” She whirled around, eyes narrow and stance rigid. “I won’t let more people–” she stopped talking, surprising Oikawa and herself as well.

They were staring at each other.

Looking back, it might really have been destiny that Nao decided to take her route here and stop Oikawa.

She was the only reason he didn’t kill himself before his senior year.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Nao walked him home every day, not taking no for an answer. She was clever, because she made sure she wasn’t seen with him at all. For some reason, she didn’t tell anyone. Oikawa thought she would but she didn’t.

Nao walked him home every single day.

They never talked.

Not until one week later.

“I should have known there’s something wrong with you,” Nao said one time while they were walking home. “No one looks perfect and does everything perfectly without error. Perfect people don’t exist.”

There was a person who came into his mind, as he always did when people were talking about perfection. Kageyama was far from perfect but everything he was lacking at the moment could be gained later in life in one way or another.

Everything Oikawa had at the moment, everything he was losing currently by each day, could never be gained again later.

“There are perfect people, Nao,” Oikawa said quietly, sensing her eyes on him. “And no matter what you do, sometimes, you won’t ever be one.”

Nao stopped walking and said, just as quietly. “No one needs to be perfect, Oikawa.”

Oikawa stopped as well and looked back at her, giving a smile, closing his eyes. “But what if you want to be, Nao–chan?” he asked softly.

All he got was silence.

He didn’t see Nao’s face, but deep in his heart, he could feel she was crying.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

They became something over a couple of months. Not really friends, not really a couple. Oikawa didn’t love her. Nao didn’t love him either.

They were two people who met at a very strange time in their lives.

The only reason for all of this was to make sure Oikawa wouldn’t kill himself.

Nao told her worst secret on their first night together. She witnessed as her best friend’s boyfriend jumped off in front of a train.

“I still see it happening over and over again,” she said, lying naked on his bed, next to him.

Oikawa was playing with her light hair, answering, “All day, I want to get drunk and kill myself but in the end all I can do is stare at the wall in silence.”

Nao turned back to him and just stared at him, only to whisper, “Somehow that sounds even worse.”

Oikawa kept coming back because he didn’t want Nao to have another repeating, cruel image in her mind. Nao kept welcoming him because she didn’t want to have Oikawa’s burden on her shoulders.

They both needed something that made them forget about themselves. Even for a bit.

In a way, they both used each other. Let that be conversation wise, sex wise or even just simply being there.

Maybe that’s why Nao ended it close to the end of his senior year.

Maybe she didn’t want it anymore or simply gotten tired. Maybe she gained feelings which Oikawa could never return. Maybe she found someone else, maybe she thought Oikawa would get better.

He would never know and he hadn’t seen Nao ever since.

Looking back, it was a good idea to end it back there.

Because Oikawa could finally kill himself.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Present days

Kimi was sitting next to him on the plane, sleeping quietly. Their hair, even their eyes matched – you could have said they were twins. They got that a lot, in Oikawa’s opinion, but Kimi had something that made her lively, unearthly.

She seemed to bring life wherever she went.

She couldn’t have been more different.

She always walked with her head held high, something Oikawa would never do.

He was staring at her for a while and then turned to look out the window, enjoying the eternal lights of the city below the sky. It was so full of light, so golden and bright. He let his fingertips touch the surface of the glass.

As if he could crush the whole city beneath his skin.

Oikawa wondered if Iwaizumi was up in his hospital room, looking out of the window as well.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

New York

The place where they lived now was a big apartment, with big windows and wooden floor and Takeru loved it so much he didn’t move, not even an inch, away from the window. Oikawa unpacked everything with the help of his sister while their parents were filing some papers and went to the city to deal with everything else.

It was quiet while they unboxed everything. Takeru made the only noise, shouting, laughing, playing tag you’re it with Oikawa while he was putting clothes into his wardrobe.

Oikawa sometimes acted as if he didn’t noticed, but the tension was unbreakable now.

He knew his action broke the whole family in a way. They loved him, he knew that. But still. His mom looked the least affected, as far as he could tell. Nothing changed the way she acted. Maybe she wanted it to be that way, to give some assurance to Oikawa, some comfort even.

His dad acted more affectionate towards him. He gave him hugs – he never did before –, he also talked to Oikawa more.

His sister, Kimi, was silence itself. She didn’t talk to him at all. As if Oikawa didn’t even exist, as if he never had.

Oikawa didn’t try to talk to her. What could he say? That he regretted it? That he wouldn’t do it again?

The only thing that was keeping him alive at the moment was Iwaizumi.

And that’s not really a life.

It’s not really anything.

_It’s nothing._

Nothing at all.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Emi was talking over the phone with Iwaizumi’s mom, while they were at the supermarket buying groceries. Oikawa was pushing the shopping cart, following his mom wherever she went.

“Hajime is home now?” Emi’s voice turned cheerful. “That’s good to hear.”

Oikawa stopped listening in and started to look at some cereal boxes instead, on the shelves. The night when Iwaizumi cut himself in order to make Oikawa stay still haunted him in his dreams. Oikawa would never forget that day and he wasn’t even sure if he did want to forget it or not.

That was the only thing keeping him on the ground.

“Hey,” someone tapped his shoulder and Oikawa turned around and found himself face to face with a girl. A group of girls, around his age or a bit more. Oikawa looked back to see his mom, but Emi vanished.

“I’m sorry if we’re bothering you,” the girl began again as Oikawa turned back to her. She was blonde, blue eyes–

And yet Oikawa didn’t feel anything. He didn’t find her pretty, he didn’t find her attractive, he didn’t find her ugly.

“Are you happen to be an idol?” She asked, hesitantly.

Oikawa sighed because for some reason this has happened to him rather frequently ever since he got here. “No,” Oikawa answered with patience. “I’m not a model, actor, nor a singer.”

The girl didn’t look less excited, she just exchanged a glance with her other fiends and then looking back, she said, “Really? Well, you’re very handsome. Do you have a girlfriend?”

Oikawa’s mind wandered back to Nao.

She was the closest thing he could have called a relationship. But even then, that wasn’t really it.

_Love should make you feel happy, it should make you free, it should make you be a better of yourself. It’s something delicate, fragile and soft._

All Oikawa had ever known in his life was _hate_.

Hate towards someone you can’t part ways with.

Hate towards someone who would never go away.

Hate towards someone who couldn’t leave.

Ever.

“No,” Oikawa just said with a little smile, touching the back of his head. “Nor do I plan getting one, sorry.”

The girl looked crestfallen.

All the girls looked like that when Oikawa dumped them. Nao never looked like that.

For some reason, Nao never looked like that.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Several months ago

“You want to end it?” Oikawa asked quietly, sitting in Nao’s room. Her light hair fell over her eyes as she nodded.

Oikawa didn’t know whether there was even anything to end. She wasn’t his girlfriend. He wasn’t her boyfriend.

Their roads had just decided it was time for their paths to cross. On that day, on that night, before Oikawa could have walked out in front of that car.

Nao never said why. Oikawa stayed there for almost half an hour in silence, giving her a chance to talk but she never did.

She didn’t really have to, in all honesty.

Her eyes told everything.

There was something peaceful in her expression. As if she was letting him go.

But Oikawa had no idea where to go.

He didn’t want to go anymore. He was tired of walking so much in his life, heading to nowhere.

Maybe Nao knew this. Maybe not.

Oikawa will never know.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Present days

He tried not to think about Iwaizumi. It hurt Oikawa more than anything.

It hurt more than his family, it hurt more than Takeru, it hurt more than Kimi, it hurt more than Nao or Makki or Mattsun.

Because Iwaizumi had been there for as long as he remembered. He was always there.

And Oikawa still wanted to leave.

_He still wants to._

**_____________________**

Today was the first meeting with his psychologist. According to Makki and Matsukawa, he was the best and he only dealt with special cases. People like him, in other words.

Oikawa heavily doubted someone could get that demon out of his head but he had to try.

_For Iwaizumi._

His office was in a very fancy place, Oikawa could give him that. The highest floor, walls made of glass and only glass? Oikawa thought after some days he could get used to all these skyscrapers, but–

_you never actually do._

Oikawa got out of the elevator and then walked to the door.

_Dr. Tachibana Akihito._

Oikawa opened the door and went in, with no expectations. He didn’t know why he imagined an old man, but he couldn’t have been more far off.

Tachibana might have been in his early forties but he looked younger. Everything he wore was elegant and stylish, but also modest. He didn’t look like a snob, he didn’t look like a bad person.

There was something incredibly welcoming in him. As if he was a stranger you won’t see in your life again, but he did something on a day you won’t ever forget.

Tachibana stood up from his armchair and walked to Oikawa, bowing first and then shaking his hands before Oikawa could even react.

“Tooru,” Tachibana gave him a little smile, his whole face glowed up. “Nice to meet you, I’m Tachibana Akihito. You can call me, Tachibana or Akihito or doctor, anything you feel like at the moment, okay? If you find Tooru a bit much, I can call you Oikawa.”

Oikawa could only blink in his surprise. “Tooru is fine,” he said weakly.

Tachibana seemed okay with that as he gestured towards his expensive looking couch. “Please,” he said and Oikawa nodded and sat down on the couch. “Do you want anything to drink?”

Oikawa shook his head and then waited as Tachibana sat down in front of him in the leather armchair. He didn’t have notepad. He didn’t have a pen nor a pencil.

Tachibana leaned close and with a severe voice, he said, “I won’t say everything will be alright, because that’s not true.”

Oikawa completely froze, forgetting even to breathe.

“I’m not saying you will get better, Tooru,” Tachibana continued. “I’m not saying that even if you do, it won’t take years. I’m not saying that even if you get better, it won’t come back again later. Even so,” Tachibana took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “Do you still want to try?”

_Try it, Tooru,_ _I won’t leave you whatever you do._

Oikawa just closed his eyes and leaned back on the couch. “I have to try. I don’t want to. I just have to,” he answered in a cold voice.

Tachibana was silent for awhile, and then said, “Most of us have these thoughts at some point in our lives, Tooru. But what pushes it to the next level is actually stress.”

Oikawa opened his eyes, staring at him in silence. Tachibana took it as a cue to continue. “Once we find what really causes you the most stress, it will get easier to find what causes your thoughts.”

Oikawa had so many things that caused him pain. If Tachibana would took all it away, Oikawa would have nothing left inside.

“Do you have scars? If you don’t mind me asking,” Tachibana looked at his arms.

Oikawa narrowed his eyes, looking down at his perfect skin. “I’ve never hurt myself,” he said in a light voice. “I knew I was in pain, so I wanted to try to look perfect.”

“You look rather thin.”

Oikawa’s eyes turned cold as he stared back at Tachibana. “It’s enough.”

“Barely,” Tachibana just smiled. “For now, it is,” he said in a kind voice. “There’ll be a day when you realize it is not.”

Oikawa doubted that but shrugged nevertheless, looking away.

Tachibana suddenly stood up and walked towards a little dustbin, he brought it back and then placed it in front of Oikawa. Then, Tachibana gave a piece of paper to Oikawa, saying, “Please write down your favorite drinks and food here,” he gave him a pen.

Oikawa took them, eyeing him with hesitance. “Okay?”

Tachibana nodded, encouraging him. Oikawa wrote down a couple of things; milk bread, ramen, coke, ice cream, coffee.

“I’m done.” After that, he handed the piece of paper to Tachibana.

He didn’t take it. He just said two words and it made Oikawa’s blood run cold.

“Keep it.”

His demon tore his bones, ripping them apart, completely furious. 

“I want to give it back to you,” Oikawa insisted as panic took over him. “Please, take it. I don’t need it. You can have it, seriously I don’t mind at all.”

Tachibana winked at Oikawa, looking smug and pretty satisfied. “You don’t want to keep anything, Tooru. Hurt people like you never do,” he shrugged and leaned back on his armchair. He folded his arms in front of his chest. “Tell you what, bring this piece of paper back to our next session. I mean who knows? If you do, you’ll get a little surprise.”

Oikawa stood up, bewildered. “I– you can’t make me–”

Tachibana tilted his head with a cheeky smile. “You just have to keep it for one week. Piece of cake. Easy peasy.”

_Throw it out, throw it out, you don’t need that. You won’t be here tomorrow anyway, get rid of it, you shouldn’t keep things, it’s useless, Tooru, you won’t need it anyway, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out, throw it out–_

Oikawa clenched it and almost threw it into the trash before him–

_“…Don’t make me do it again, Tooru…”_

Oikawa stopped.

The paper clenched in his hands, hovering above the little dustbin. He slowly sat back and smoothed out the piece of paper. It was creasy, almost torn.

Oikawa couldn’t look away from it.

**––––––––––––––––––**

He didn’t talk about his session with Tachibana at home. He couldn’t, after all. Everything his parents had to know, Tachibana would tell them eventually anyway.

Oikawa had to hold onto that paper all day in order to not throw it out. It had to be in the pocket of his coat or jeans, even in the case of his phone. All day, every day.

For one week.

One of these days he took Takeru out for lunch. His parents were full with work, moving affected them a lot harder than Tooru or Kimi. Speaking of the devil, she was never at home either. Busy with job hunting, apparently. Takeru was off from school, but Oikawa tried to teach him any time he could. Especially English, considering that was the most importing thing to learn right now, essential even. Takeru was always good with languages, he got the hang of it pretty quickly.

Oikawa remembered an Italian restaurant somewhere close to their apartment. That was where he took Takeru. Both of them needed a breather, some kind of an entertainment.

The restaurant was called ‘ _One more please_ ’ which was a very funny and fitting idea for a name, in his opinion. The place was huge and very vintage looking, with lights as a decoration. There weren’t many people now at the moment, though.

_Hope it’s not because the food is bad._

The last thing he needed right now was to make Takeru even more miserable. He looked so sad all the time, even Oikawa felt bad.

They walked to a free table and sat down, looking at the menu. They ordered and waited for it to arrive. Takeru was drinking his coke with a red straw, they were sitting close to the window. His nephew was looking out, watching people walk by. There was a gentle song in the radio, making Oikawa feel nostalgic about things that never happened to him.

Without even noticing, Oikawa pulled out the piece of paper and–

“You always throw things away, Tooru.”

The gold and red light made Takeru glow, as Oikawa gaze slid back to him. His voice sounded bored, uninspired but it still made Oikawa pause.

“I do?” He asked, holding the piece of paper, putting it back to the pocket of his long coat. He didn’t even notice he wanted to throw it away. “Do I do that a lot?” He asked, surprised.

Takeru nodded, gesturing with his hands. “You never keep anything for too long. I eat a lot of candies so I have to throw the packaging out a lot of times in a day. Whenever I do – or rather, did–, something of yours was always there.”

Oikawa couldn’t even speak. He was actually speechless. For the first time in his life he couldn’t find his words.

“But hey,” Takeru began, looking as uninterested as ever. “You’ve been holding that paper a lot. Guess you’re keeping it,” he leaned a bit closer. “What’s on it though? What is it?”

Oikawa didn’t even hesitate. “My hit list.”

Takeru raised an eyebrow. “I should have known.”

The food was so delicious, they even brought some home for every else as well. It made them really happy – Oikawa watched them as they ate and then went to his room, sitting on his bed. Only a little blue lava lamp gave glow to the room, enlightening everything with a dull color. Oikawa rarely used his phone, he only did when he texted back to Iwaizumi or the others. The Seijoh groupchat was always on and always gave Oikawa notifications because Kindaichi never slept, ever. Watari either.

All in all, Oikawa only used his phone for things like this.

Today though, for some reason, he took the phone into his hand and scrolled some names until he found one.

And then pressed call, raising it over his ear.

She never picked up. Maybe because it wasn’t her number anymore, maybe it was, who knew anymore.

The voicemail activated and Oikawa found himself saying, “I don’t know if we ever meet again, Nao. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know what time it is where you live,” his voice was quiet and soft and it was midnight in a city where no one ever stopped moving. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. I don’t know if you’ll ever forget the things that make you feel miserable. I’m not in love you with, I think I never was, just as you never were either.” Oikawa looked out of the enormous window, seeing the city glow. He walked over there and sat down in front of it, pressing his palm on the glass. “I’m in New York, getting some help. It’s not much yet, I don’t feel any change and maybe I won’t ever do but… you’re the only reason I’m sitting in front of this window now, looking at these golden, glowing skyscrapers that can reach above the clouds. What I’m trying to say is… thank you for keeping me alive for a year.”

The world felt lonely in that moment as he was holding that piece of paper in his palm, hanging up.

It seemed like as if this was Oikawa’s goodbye to her.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“You brought it back,” Tachibana said with a surprised smile. “Good job!”

Oikawa clicked his tongue,looking absolutely unimpressed. “You were doubting me?”

Tachibana just laughed as he took the piece of paper and looked at it. “I doubt in everything.” He grabbed another piece of paper and started to write some things down on it.

Oikawa furrowed his brows, looking at what he was writing. “That’s one way to live.”

Tachibana gave out a laugh. “It’s not really healthy, that’s all I’m saying.” He stopped writing and then gave the piece of paper back to Oikawa. “Here.”

Oikawa began to read:

_Beer, chicken paprikash, ramen and banana milk._

“What’s this?” Oikawa asked, looking back at him.

“Your surprise,” Tachibana smiled and gave Oikawa a thumbs up. “It’s my favorite drinks and food.”

Oikawa turned confused. “That was the surprise?” He read it again.

“Yep,” Tachibana looked hundred percent satisfied with himself. “You have to bring it back to me next week. You will get another surprise then again.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes, standing up. “I’m already shaking with excitement. What will it be next? Favourite transportation choice?”

Tachibana burst out laughing, surprising Oikawa. He was laughing so much he had to lean on the wall. “I have a story for that for the next time.”

Oikawa just shook his head. “I’m already scared.”

“Ah,” he gave out a big sigh. “You should be.”

Oikawa thought then that Tachibana Akihito was the weirdest person he had ever encountered in his life.

“Thank you for your time, Tooru.” The psychologist said, bowing to Oikawa. “Same time next week?”

“That’s right Mr. Tachibana,” Oikawa nodded, bowing as well. “Thank you.”

The man smiled a little and then escorted him towards the door.

**––––––––––––––––––**

Oikawa never believed in fate. He never believed in destiny. The only time these things had haunted him were the times when he was with Nao. And even then, he hardly believed in them.

Now.

Now he had no idea what to believe in anymore.

To have Kageyama run into him now. To have him run into him in New York, in this building, in the elevator–

_It was insane._

The elevator door started to close so Oikawa quickly moved in and yet Kageyama didn’t move an inch. He was frozen as he stared at Oikawa. He wasn’t really looking at him, more like he was looking at everywhere but him?

_Was he avoiding–_

“Kageyama?”

Kageyama actually took a step back, almost dropping the food he was holding. At first Oikawa had no idea why. But then, somehow, it popped into his mind.

_Tobio._

I didn’t call him Tobio.

**–––––––––––––––––**

Oikawa’s soul line was dark and fractured.

Kageyama had never seen a fractured soul before and it terrified him so much he almost fell to his knees. It was hovering above Oikawa, not really attached to his hands.

It was ugly.

It was so so _horrid_ , his own soul flinched _back_ from it.

“Kageyama?” Oikawa sounded worried.

Kageyama snapped out of it and made himself look away from Oikawa’s fractured soul. “Hmm?” He tried to speak but it was really overwhelming. “What?”

Oikawa was staring at him and then the elevator reached the first floor. “Nothing,” he answered and then stepped out of the elevator, walking a bit. Kageyama was still in shock, looking at the most hideous soul he had ever seen.

Before the elevator door closed, Oikawa looked back but didn’t say anything.

Neither of them did.

Kageyama saw his pained expression but it was only a blink of an eye, before it was gone. Then the elevator’s door closed.

And Kageyama fell to his knees.

The pain was _unbearable_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, surprise, Oikawa has became kind of a main character as it was planned from the very beginning :33
> 
> PS: Nao was actually mentioned in 'Worthless Pride' just not by her name :3333 
> 
> PPS: We will see the whole treatment with Oikawa. I did a lot of research and made a little twist in things but it should work ;)))
> 
> PPPS: I think you guys know we will see Nao in one way or another again ;D let's just say this is the part where everyone meets everyone. 
> 
> PPPPS: I AM REALLY EXCITED FOR THIS PART 
> 
> I hope everyone reread the whole series as I advised, because after this the real story begins and you guys gotta remember a lot of characters and stuff xdd to not get confused.
> 
> LOVE EVERYONE!!!


	4. Full Circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!! My adorable–evils!! how's life?!! How are you guys?!
> 
> I'M so sorry yet again for not posting much but I'm working a lot and I didn't have a lot of free time!! BUT CHEER UP GUYS!! This chapter is one I'm very proud of so I hope you will like it too :3333
> 
> I HAVE A BETA!!! She's absolutely the best and amazing and I love her work!! Pls do check her work out, her character building and writing is absolutely breathtaking!!!
> 
> Here is halfpastone's ao3 page: 
> 
> Click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfpastone/works)

**Chapter 4**

**Full Circle**

Four days earlier

Makki thought he knew everything about life.

But the truth is, you never really know.

Makki, himself, never died. But there were some days a couple of years ago, when he felt like he did. Days filled with misery, pain, and fear. Sometimes it felt like those were all he would know in his entire life. If someone had asked Makki, if he had believed in the beauty of life then, he would have shook his head, saying ‘ _things have changed_ ’ and leave it at that.

But then Makki noticed something in Iwaizumi.

He could have swore he saw something unreal, something _more_. As if the time loop – as if everything Iwaizumi had done so far –, changed his whole being, his very core. Everything they had done together with Matsukawa, Ushijima, and Tendou–

_It feels like we changed the world._

Sometimes Makki dared to be brave, and say it was destiny. Because usually, when many people got together from various and different places, at an inconvenient time, most would say it was destiny.

Makki – all he knew nowadays was how to be brave.

There was something comforting leaving everything to fate’s hands. As if he could lean back and let everything unfold in his life. He had never felt like that before. It was refreshing, something new.

As if he could believe in anything now.

This was the thing he had been thinking about on his way home. He left the hospital after Oikawa had gone to the airport. It was hard to imagine him living in that big city – although he was not all by himself there, that was something.

_He’ll be fine._

Well, well, Makki even surprised himself with how positive he had gotten over the past few days. He walked to his house and fiddled with his keys, standing in front of his house. As he tried to find the right one, the door opened and–

The first thing Makki noticed were the suitcases. Several. More than twelve, at least.

The second thing was his mom.

His mom crying, as she tilted her head, saying,

“I should have done this earlier,” she whispered and gestured towards the suitcases, taking a deep breath. “I know I’m late. I know I’m horrible and the worst mom in the world.” She took another deep breath that sounded as if it came from the pounding beats of her heart, and then turned back to Makki. “But I’m going to be even more horrible and ask you to come with me.”

There was something gentle in her eyes, something which made Makki forget to think.

And he dropped his keys.

Because those eyes made him believe in things he had long forgotten to believe in.

His mom followed it with her gaze and then looked up with worry. “ _Taka_ ,” she spoke with a small voice but Makki just felt his whole world crash down.

They stood like that for what felt like ages, the world was spinning and then his mom lifted her hands and cradled Makki’s face with them. She gently brushed his tears away and then Makki could finally see she was crying, too.

Makki had no idea what he was feeling but all he could think of was what Iwaizumi had said to him a long time ago.

_“…If we do this, Makki, I swear you won’t ever forget what kindness feels like…”_

And Makki swore he could die right here knowing what it felt like, and never forget it.

**––––––––––––––––––––––**

Matsukawa was sitting next to Iwaizumi’s hospital bed, laying his head on the blanket, blinking lightly. He felt his eyelashes scratch the surface of the soft material, warming his very being. Comfort, it was.

“What are you thinking about?” Iwaizumi asked him with a soft tone.

Matsukawa closed his eyes and let his mind wander. All he could think about nowadays was what they had done. How everything had changed. It was as if they had new lives, and maybe they did. Maybe they really did.

It’s as if all of them had been reborn.

All of them except–

“Do you think Oikawa wants a restart in his life, Iwaizumi?” Matsukawa asked quietly, still facing the other way, lying on the blanket. “Deep down?”

Iwaizumi’s voice was so light, for one moment, Matsukawa thought he had imagined that he spoke. “Everyone needs a restart in their lives,” Iwaizumi sighed and then Matsukawa felt the gentle touch of a warm hand grasp his right shoulder. “I don’t know, Matsukawa. What counts as a restart anyway? If it’s not a time loop.”

Matsukawa thought about it. “Maybe something fateful?”

“Fateful?” Iwaizumi echoed.

Matsukawa hummed. “Something that feels like it had to happen. Something that feels wrong and right. Something that feels weird and perfect. Something that makes you feel like you’ve finally gone full circle.”

There was a brief silence – for Matsukawa’s ears, it almost sounded like a light guitar, nostalgic and haunting.

“Something that makes you feel like you’ve gone full circle,” Iwaizumi echoed, and then paused before saying, “But what would that be for Oikawa?”

They watched as the sun went down and colored the sky with orange and purple. The skyscrapers started to turn bright with life.

“Something great is coming,” Matsukawa whispered, looking at the dawn with a light smile.

Iwaizumi snorted and ruffled Matsukawa’s hair. “Why? Can you feel it?”

“Why? Can’t you?” Matsukawa smirked and let Iwaizumi destroy his hair. “At this point, anything can happen. Be positive and enjoy the show.”

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. “Okay Mr. Entertainer, where’s the popcorn?”

“Tendou ate it.”

Iwaizumi burst out laughing and fell on top of Matsukawa, who tried to get away and almost broke his own liver in the process. Iwaizumi fell down from the bed in a heap of flailing limbs and they broke a vase – the crash of splintering glass alerting the nurse and she started yelling but Matsukawa couldn’t stop laughing because–

_What a day._

Every single day was going to be like this and he just couldn’t wait for the next morning. Couldn’t wait to wake up and start a new day.

Matsukawa Issei couldn’t wait to live.

**––––––––––––––––––––––**

“Iwaizumi Hajime called you?” Kenma echoed, not believing his ears. He was drinking tea, listening to Kuroo in the dining hall. They were sitting at the table, waiting for Hinata to wake up.

Kuroo ran a hand through his hair – making it more messy than it already was –, and said, “Looking back now, it was really weird. It was late and he wanted to talk to Hinata.”

Kenma’s eyes twitched. “Why did you even let him in?”

Kuroo actually turned crimson and pointed a finger at Kenma, as if he was accusing him. “He is a sly man, that Iwaizumi Hajime–”

“Kuroo–”

“He has these _dirty_ little tricks you know–”

“Kuroo–”

“You would think he is innocent but he is the _devil_ , you hear me–”

Kenma was so not impressed. “You two made a bet, am I right?” Kuroo instantly shut up. “What bet?” Kenma raised an eyebrow, still nursing his tea.

Kuroo looked down at his own cup of tea. “You’re going to laugh.”

Kenma was still not amused. “Nothing can beat the one with Bokuto in Budapest–”

Kuroo laughed and turned his gaze to the ceiling, as if he was recalling a fond memory. “No one will ever find that goat–”

“ _Kuroo_.”

“Right, right,” Kuroo waved his hand. “It’s about volleyball practice matches with Ushijima.”

Kenma snorted. “Right,” he said and tucked one strand of hair over his ear. “Nobody can pull that off.”

Kuroo lit up with enthusiasm. “That was what I told him!”

Kenma started nodding but then he realized something. “You didn’t have his phone number, right?”

Kuroo nodded, humming.

_Wait a minute–_

“So then you didn’t know who called you, right?”

Kuroo hummed, completely agreeing.

“Kuroo,” Kenma began, already knowing the answer. “How did you pick up that phone?”

Kuroo was unfazed as he answered, “I said I wasn’t going back to jail.”

Kenma was staring at him for a couple of minutes before saying, “You’ve never been to jail.”

And Kuroo said without one single hesitance, with the bravery of two thousand men, “Yet.”

Kenma sometimes wanted to drown him. He looked down at his cup of tea and started wondering if he could–

The door of Kenma’s room opened and Hinata slowly walked over them and sat down next to Kuroo. He was pale, looked as if he hadn’t slept for years. Kuroo with a small but confident movement, gently pushed his tea towards Hinata on the table. The steam hugged Hinata’s face and put a little life beneath the skin, coloring it with red.

Hinata reached towards the cup and took a sip. He then held it between his hands and stared at the honey, golden liquid. He stared and stared.

And then he started crying.

Kenma’s heart clenched and his fingertips turned white because of how he was gripping his tea. Kuroo brought his chair close to Hinata’s and hugged him, making him lean his head on his shoulder.

Kenma had never seen Kuroo in a state so torn, so emotional over something since years. Even he was having a hard time seeing Hinata like this.

_God._

Kenma narrowed his eyes in pain, feeling the never-ending ache in his chest while looking at Hinata.

_Nothing will ever be the same._

**––––––––––––––––––––––**

“Which one, Tendou?” Ushijima asked, looking at the husky puppies. They were playing around in the backyard. Six puppies – three boys, three girls.

Goshiki was beaming with pride. “You can’t chose, right? They’re _all_ cute.”

“Oi, why do you say as if you’ve made them, Goshiki–”

“Which one?!” Ushijima started to panic, they were running out of time. They had to meet at Semi’s and give the puppy to Makki as a surprise. “Oh my god, Tendou which one–”

Tendou then started to panic, too. “Oh MY GOD, WHICH ONE–”

Then all of them heard a loud snoring.

Goshiki, Ushijima and Tendou turned to the left and noticed a little husky puppy sleeping on his back with one of his legs up, and snoring like an old man.

“Ha,” Tendou spoke up. “He almost looks like…”

Goshiki began to say, “Aren’t Makki…”

All three tilted their heads and

Then

everything

went

to

hell.

“HE SLEEPS EXACTLY LIKE HIM!”

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

Tsukishima was standing right in front of Kenma’s house and Hinata had no idea what happened. Was it because he had nightmares, was it because he was in so much pain that he could barely think–

But he moved and hugged Tsukishima.

And for some reason, Hinata would never know, Tsukishima hugged him back. It felt right and wrong, it was weird and perfect.

When they walked back on their way home, Tsukishima stopped when he saw a playground. Hinata paused beside him, and without a single word between the two of them, they sat down on a swing. Hinata on the left, Tsukishima on the right.

Hinata tried to enjoy the light wind caressing his face, but it was so hard. He felt dull, so unlike himself that it terrified him. He had been feeling this for quite a while now.

He looked down at the ground and closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing, on nature surrounding him. Trying to find the same emotion he had before that car had crashed into him.

But there was nothing.

“Shouyou.”

Hinata turned to the other boy with surprised eyes. Tsukishima was quiet and careful with his tone as he turned towards Hinata with the swing. He reached towards him.

Towards his hands.

Hinata held his hand and watched as Tsukishima bowed down and said, “You deserve a better friend than me, but you’re the best I could have and I don’t want to let that go. I remembered, I knew, I did everything wrong and it’s selfish and such a dick move but,” Tsukishima raised his head and gripped his hand, “Please give me another chance to be your friend because I don’t want to let this go.”

Hinata was speechless, but he also couldn’t let go.

There was something deep inside his veins that screamed don’t let go.

It was silly because–

“I forgave you the moment I hugged you, you idiot,” Hinata spoke and something died in the back of his throat.

_Would you be able to forgive Kageyama like that, too?_

No.

Because Tsukishima knew and remembered and tried to stop him from committing suicide. He had no idea that Hinata had died so many times previously.

But Kageyama knew.

He knew and he never came.

The worst thing in all of this was that Hinata knew why this hurt him so much. It wasn’t because he loved Kageyama.

It was because Kageyama was his best friend, too.

And now he was gone.

And Hinata hated that.

But he didn’t want him to come back either.

**––––––––––––––––––––––**

“Okay, the moment Makki opens the door,” Semi pointed at Matsukawa with too much excitement, “What do you do?”

Reon and Kawanishi looked at Matsukawa. Goshiki was petting the puppy in Ushijima’s hands, but his attention never strayed. Shirabu was hiding his face, palm over his forehead, seeming so utterly done with everything.

Matsukawa, bless him, said, “I’m going to throw a newspaper at his face.”

“Very good– WHAT?”

“Okay, okay everyone calm down,” Tendou, ever the pacifist, tried to calm down everybody. “This isn’t a very big deal–”

“NOT A BIG DEAL?!”

“Semi, calm the fuck down–”

“MY MAN IS GETTIN’ HIS FOREVER BEST FRIEND, THAT IS A BIG DEAL–”

Tendou, like a reflex, shouted back, “I KNOW THAT, YOU DUMB FUCK!”

“Oh wow,” Matsukawa said with a monotone tone. “Did he just–”

Ushijima tried to cover the puppy’s ears.

“I know right,” Kawanishi added.

Iwaizumi was laughing so much he almost collapsed into his seat. Ushijima was holding that puppy so carefully in his hand, he was afraid to even _laugh_. Poor man looked like he could choke in any minute now.

“I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT–”

Reon tried to interfere. “Look guys, can we not fight for at least one day, just one day, that is all I am asking–”

“YOU DID NOT SAY THIS WHEN YOU STOLE THAT FUCKING CAT!”

“THAT WAS KAWANISHI, NOT ME!”

Kawanishi’s jaw fell down as he and Ushijima exchanged a glance. “You were not supposed to tell him,” Ushijima said through his teeth.

Kawanishi looked hundred percent done. “Nobody had seen that I stole that cat–”

Iwaizumi started to _wheeze_.

Ushijima’s eyes widened, he couldn’t believe this. “That’s not the problem Kawanishi, and you know it!”

Shirabu then said, “Did you guys steal my cat?! LIKE BEFORE YAMAGATA DID WITH TENDOU–”

Everything exploded.

Iwaizumi was dying, Ushijima and Goshiki tried to cover the puppy’s ears, Tendou was shouting about the bet, Semi was shouting about the cat, Kawanishi was shouting about how the plan worked, Reon was shouting about why they were shouting–

“Guys?”

And everyone froze.

Everybody turned their heads towards the front door, and there he stood Makki with the most confused look on his face.

It was so quiet an outsider could have mistaken it as a funeral.

But then Ushijima just walked forward with confidence and then gently stopped in front of Makki, who couldn’t look away from the puppy.

“Makki,” Ushijima began. “This little buddy is yours. A gift from all of us.”

Makki was speechless as he took the puppy. The little, adorable thing was happy and licked his nose. Makki hugged him and one of the most beautiful smiles appeared on his face.

“What are you going to name him?” Iwaizumi asked.

It was silence.

Makki then seemed a little playful as he stared at the black puppy, looking into his blue eyes. “Well, when I look at him all I can think about is our insane adventures. How Ushijima, Tendou – my brotha –, and you guys came into our lives. And it all started with one person ” Makki began. “I’m going to name him Fred.”

And everyone

lost

their

shit.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Present days

It was hard to explain to his mom why he and Kageyama broke up. Making up a lie which she –thank god–, believed. Which wasn’t really a half life because Kageyama _did_ move.

But it was heartbreaking to explain to Natsu why she would never see Kageyama again.

“When is he coming back, Shou?” Natsu looked crestfallen and so, so small that Hinata was fighting back his tears. “Can he play with me when he comes back?”

Hinata was on his knees, picking up his broken pieces, trying to rebuild himself but every time he raised a piece, it cut his hand and he had to start all over again.

It really felt like that now. He was bleeding so much now in front of Natsu.

He was in so much pain.

“He might not come back, Natsu,” Hinata whispered with a sad smile, trying to be strong in front of his sister, trying to look _whole_. They were sitting on his bed and Natsu scooted closer but suddenly stopped when Hinata said, “Ever.”

Natsu was silent. “Ever?” she asked back.

Hinata nodded and bit his bottom lip, trying to prevent the tears from slipping out. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Ever.”

And then he couldn’t see anymore – his eyesight turned blurry and his head started to hurt and god–

_He shouldn’t miss him._

One moment he never wanted to see him again and now he’s still angry, but–

_Life is so much different without Kageyama._

Hinata felt two little hands on both sides of his face, brushing his tears away. When he opened his eyes, he saw Natsu.

She was crying too.

“He wouldn’t want you to cry, dummy,” Natsu’s eyes were all red and tears were falling down on her cheeks. “Stop crying.”

Hinata’s heart bled and bloomed at the same time as he brought Natsu close to his chest and hugged her. Natsu buried her face in the crook of his neck, her hair tickling Hinata’s skin, and it was so familiar and comforting that he felt one piece shift back to its place.

And this time, for a moment, he did not feel pain.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

New York

“Why are we meeting here Mr. Tachibana?” Oikawa asked, looking around in the restaurant called ‘ _Jackie’s_ ’ and its customers. Everyone seemed friendly, and the space was coated in a very calming atmosphere. There were golden lamps everywhere, the walls were light brown and the seats were leather and stood close to the wall, curling over every corner. Almost a pub, but not quite.

“Because you’ve made progress, yes?” Tachibana gestured towards the piece of paper Oikawa was holding in his hand. “So please, when the waiter comes, order one of my favorite food.”

Oikawa’s stomach twisted, but he didn’t have the faintest clue why. Maybe because normally – usually –, psychologists didn’t do these kinds of things. He had no idea what Tachibana was trying to accomplish here. But sure, Oikawa can do this.

When the waiter came, he ordered chicken paprikash for Tachibana, while the psychologist ordered ramen for Oikawa. He also ordered beer for Tachibana, who then ordered coke in exchange for Oikawa.

As they were waiting for their order, Tachibana leaned close to Oikawa and said, “Look,” he nodded at something behind Oikawa’s back. “Look at that boy.”

Oikawa turned around and looked.

It was a Korean boy, Oikawa noticed. Rather tall, good looking, dressed well.

_Probably rich with a girlfriend and perfect family._

Oikawa turned back and shrugged. “Okay, what is there to look at?”

Tachibana, however, smiled. “Tell me what you thought about just now.”

Oikawa’s eyes widened for a minute. The waiter then arrived with their drinks before disappearing again. It gave Oikawa time to think about his answer, but there was no reason to lie at all. His answer didn’t matter anyway.

“I thought he might be rich, good–looking,” Oikawa said, staring at his coke. “Having a girlfriend and living with a perfect family.”

Tachibana didn’t even wince as he asked. “Is that the perfect person for you? Flawless? Healthy even?”

Oikawa shrugged. “Yeah, why not.”

“But that’s you.”

And Oikawa’s whole world stopped in that moment. His demon couldn’t even move. But then it crawled to his ear and growled. _You don’t have a girlfriend, your family isn’t perfect and you were never good–looking. You try to look handsome, but you know–_

_You’re a filth._

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Oikawa echoed his demon, like a machine set on repeat. “I don’t have a perfect family and I’m not good–looking.”

Because Tachibana did not answer for a long time, Oikawa decided to look at him. The psychologist was staring at Oikawa with an unreadable gaze. He opened his mouth to say something to him, but the opportunity passed when the waiter arrived with their food.

Oikawa looked at the food, feeling uncomfortable.

_You are familiar with this food, Tooru. You know how much you need to eat to get through the day. You know the drill, only a few bites._

The demon smiled.

_Otherwise I will tear you up._

He braced himself and almost began to eat, but Tachibana gently switched their dishes. The chicken paprikash landed in front of Oikawa, with an intense smell. The pasta looked like little clouds and the chicken was brown, red and gold with the stew.

Oikawa had never eaten anything like this before.

He did not know how much it was okay to eat.

_A little, Tooru._ The demon tore his skin. _A few bites._

Oikawa picked up the spoon and began to eat. He wished he could describe how good it was, how spicy and comforting it felt.

But he felt an awful sensation beneath his skin.

He felt disgusted and then noticed he couldn’t eat anymore. He only had three or four spoons of food, if not less. He then took a sip out of the coke and noticed Tachibana staring. There was something in his eyes that set fire of sparks of déja vu. Something Oikawa swore had seen somewhere before.

The session ended rather quickly.

Oikawa had no idea what Tachibana had noticed or not, if it was successful or not. He did not really care.

He was a lost cause.

He was walking in the streets of New York when he noticed all the lights brightening up the world. Everyone was rushing, but Oikawa walked slowly. Slower than anyone else. He was only looking at the lights, thinking about nothing. Somewhere around when the sky turned dark red, as if it was glowing with so much serenity, Oikawa reached for his phone and pressed the call button, raising the device over his ear.

“Yes?” Iwaizumi spoke.

“Kageyama is here in New York.”

Oikawa’s voice was as light as the wind dancing with green leaves of a tree, like a lake beneath the dawn, or a piano in a quiet room filled with flowers of spring.

“Are you kidding me?” Iwaizumi’s voice was so surprised, Oikawa wondered if he might have missed something. “And you met him?” Iwaizumi sounded even more surprised, if it was possible. “Where?!”

Oikawa gripped the phone tighter, confused. Why was Iwaizumi so excited? “At my psychologist’s office. Well, in the elevator, to be more specific.”

“Oh, really?” Iwaizumi still had that ‘ _I can’t believe this_ ’ tone. “You don’t say.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa turned around the corner and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s really weird. I mean, right here? Right now? Don’t you think so?”

Iwaizumi went silent. “You know, Matsukawa told me something weird a couple of days ago.”

Oikawa raised an eyebrow. “Really? What did he tell you?” He took a left and walked down to the metro station. He tried to get by, but it seemed hardly possible, with so many people. Bags, coats, shopping bags were everywhere.

“We were talking about you,” Iwaizumi began in a soft tone, “about all how our lives changed, how different we all have become, and how we all needed a restart for this big of a change.”

Oikawa payed close attention to him as he got in line and waited for his metro to show up. He slipped one of his hands into the pocket of his long coat.

“So I asked Matsukawa what he thought about restarts. What would count as a restart, I asked. He told me that something that feels like it had to happen. Something that feels wrong and right. Something that feels weird and perfect. Something that makes you feel like you’ve finally gone full circle.”

Oikawa knew where Iwaizumi was going with this, before he could even continue. “Oh, no way,” he said and then looked up as the metro arrived at the station. “This was an accident, a really freaky and weird accident, but it wasn’t anything else.”

Iwaizumi laughed. The phone vibrated close to his ears. “A couple of minutes ago you agreed with me.”

Oikawa was painted with people, there were so many as they got out of the metro. He let some leave, gave them space. “A couple of minutes ago you made _sense_.” he said through his teeth, walking to the door.

“Ha!” Iwaizumi sounded pretty confident. “Am I not making sense right now? I believe I am, in fact, I can even prove it to you.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes, he was almost at the door, it was closing pretty fast. “Yeah? How? Now I’m really intrigued.”

“If you don’t run into him again, then it was really an accident – even though the first meeting already looks suspicious, if you ask me –, but if you do run into him again, then..”

“Then what?” Oikawa asked and saw as the metro door closed in front of him. But there was another hand reaching for the closed door.

_So I asked Matsukawa what he thought about restarts. What would count as a restart, I asked._

Oikawa turned his head to the left, still holding his phone over his ear.

_He told me that something that feels like it had to happen._

His eyes went round as the metro began to move, flicking the lamps and dancing the newspapers around with the wind.

_Something that feels wrong and right._

Kageyama was looking at him, standing next to him, reaching out the same way Oikawa did towards a metro that wasn’t there anymore.

_Something that feels weird and perfect._

And Iwaizumi’s answer was close to Oikawa’s ears, filling his whole world. “Then you’ve gone full circle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: THANK YOU YET AGAIN MY BETA YOU BEAUTIFUL SOUL
> 
> PPS: That Hinata and Natsu scene made me tear up I ain't gonna lie
> 
> PPPS: and that ending scene is probably one of my fav moments. Right up there with Ushijima's rain. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked it and thank you for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks. They make my heart so HAPPY!!
> 
> PPPPS: Someone noticed that chapter title drop :3333 damn it was smooth


	5. Crowd Full of Strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my adorable–evils!! GUESS WHO'S BACK AGAIN AGAIN!!! 
> 
> I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS CHAPTER YOU GUYS HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS!!! I think this is seriously the best one I have written so far!!
> 
> And I hope you will like it as well!! 
> 
> Thank you so much for my beta again!! She's the best of the best!! Here is her/halfpastone's ao3 page: 
> 
> Click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfpastone/works)
> 
> I love you guys and thank you for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks!! They give me absolute life!!
> 
> PS: The title of this chapter made me feel goosebumps

**Chapter 5**

**Crowd Full of Strangers**

Hanzou worked every single day and probably has met more than a million people. As a taxi driver, people might think he would forget every single person’s face he had been in a car with, but that was not the case at all.

Hanzou remembered every person he had met in his life.

There were normal days, there were insane days in his life – there were unforgettable moments, memories in his life that would stay with him forever. Most of the time, he could even get a person’s name and could attach to the memory.

Today was one of those lucky days.

He was around the airport when he noticed a girl taking off with a suitcase. She signaled Hanzou so he stopped and went out from the car to get her suitcase to the trunk. Then he held out the door for her and closed it. He stepped into the car, to the driver’s seat, and asked,

“Where to, miss?” He put a cigarette in his mouth and looked back to the girl.

The girl was smiling. “To Shibuya,” she said with joy. “To my friend’s house, please.”

Hanzou smiled, too, as he asked, “For a visit?”

“There’s going to be a wedding,” the girl answered with a little laugh. “She caught a singer. Or a guitarist? Or both? I’m not sure.”

Hanzou grinned as he started the car, “Miss,” he snorted, “It will take a while before we reach Shibuya, but until then I’m going to tell you an insane story. I once brought the wife back to the ceremony!”

The girl’s eyes widened with delight. “Oh, really? Now that’s something, mister!”

Hanzou shook his head. “Call me Hanzou, miss. I feel like we’re going to be buddies.”

The girl laughed. “Then you may call me my name, too, Hanzou.”

Hanzou then began to drive away from the airport. As the city began to glow yellow, red, and orange, he asked the girl, “What can I call you then?”

“Nao,” she said with a little smile. “My name is Nao.”

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Ito doubted he could forget the boy who had helped him get to the airport in time, just to reach his daughter’s wedding. Even though the kid forgot to tell his name to Ito, the man wouldn’t forget him in all his life, as long as he lived.

He was working in his office, late at night. He was wondering what happened to Oikawa Tooru.

His friends – a red haired fella and one who looked rather shy but also very determined –, visited him a couple of days ago, because they had been searching for a professional. Ito obviously gave them his old friend’s phone number, Tachibana Akihito’s.

Ito knew that kid would be alright.

But he wondered.

He wondered about life. How everything seemed to connect in ways no one could actually comprehend.

Ito thought that if magic existed, it would be life.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Kindaichi Yuutarou was sitting on his carpet, twirling a volleyball on his finger, trying to balance it so that it wouldn’t fall onto the ground.

It was almost midnight, but he couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t as if he was having nightmares, or as if he had trouble sleeping. But sometimes, it was better not to dream. He stopped twirling the volleyball and just held it between his hands. The moon shone through into his room, lightening up the carpet with light, grey color.

His phone buzzed, and Kindaichi put the volleyball down next to him. He unlocked his phone and rolled down to see what message he had gotten, and from whom.

He froze.

_– Do you think about him sometimes, too?_

Kindaichi felt his heart clench as the shame washed over him. He closed his eyes and then opened them again, again to write back to Kunimi.

– _He moved. We don’t even know where and doing it through texts has no depth._

After a couple of seconds he added:

_– It’s too late to apologize._

He put down his phone and moved to pick up the volleyball again, but then he heard the buzzing. He turned his head and leaned down to read the message that illuminated the room.

_– It’s never too late._

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

Sora sometimes remembered the stranger that had cheered him up at the airport on the day when he and Iwaizumi had fought and he had decided to move away from home to his old friend, James.

He couldn’t help but think about how weird the whole thing it was.

Someone just saw him sitting there, all alone, looking miserable and then walked there to sit down next to him and say the exact things he needed to hear in order to have a little push, in order to have something that can make him walk and go forwards without looking back.

There was something in that person.

“What are you thinking about, bro?” Seung asked as he sat down next to him on the bar stool, holding two tacos in his hand. There weren’t many people there now, with how late it was, so it was pretty quiet.

He gave one taco to Sora, who accepted it with a happy smile. “Seung, you are the best, I swear,” he said as he took a bite out of it, enjoying the taste and the sound of how it cracked. “Ha, delicious.”

Seung grinned. “Imagine how delicious it would be if Park hadn’t brought it illeg–”

“Seung, shut up!” Park yelled from the other side of the pub.

Seung began to laugh. “Yeah, yeah, okay,” he said and before he took a bite out of his taco, too. “So,” he turned back to Sora, “What are you thinking about, pal?”

“Pal?” Sora gave him a weird look. “You dumb fuck.”

“But you still love me.”

Sora snorted in between bites of his taco. “That is true.”

Seung gave out a victorious smile and nudged Sora’s shoulder to say. “Tell me, come on.”

Sora sighed and looked at Seung, saying, “Don’t you think some things need to happen?”

“I absolutely do,” Seung said without hesitation, completely agreeing. “You know, I really do believe there are some things you just can’t really explain. Every single thing that happens in life has its own meaning,” he was gesturing with his taco, looking at Sora. “Some things just make you feel. Some people just walk into your life, some just go away and everything changes. There are moments when you feel like you can do anything, and there are moments when you feel like anything can happen.”

Sora had a nostalgic smile on his face. “And what would you call this? Freedom? Fate? Destiny?”

Seung smiled exactly the same. “It’s life, Sora,” he said softly. “It’s the things that keep you going, it’s the sound of the cars, it’s the colors of the trees during spring, it’s the rush of a crowd, it’s the lights in a city, it’s the cold feeling of snow, it’s the music in your soul,” he stopped for a moment and then laid a hand on Sora’s shoulder, patting it with warmth and care. “It’s everything that is in front of you, everything you see, hear, or feel. And it never goes away. It will be there every morning for you, when you wake up.”

“So what?” Sora grinned at his best friend. “That’s the key to happiness? To notice all the wonders in life in every single day?”

Seung shook his head slightly. “No,” and then with all of his heart, with all of his soul, he said, “It’s to realize that you only notice it, if you want to. That’s when your life really begins.”

“That’s the change,” Sora said lightly.

“That’s when everything comes back to zero,” Seung smiled. “That’s when you’ve gone full circle. That’s when you start to live as if you’ll die today.”

And maybe, to Sora, on that day at the airport was the time when he felt like he had gone full circle.

Maybe that was when he had beginning to realize all the wonders in life.

**––––––––––––––––––––**

Iwaizumi looked down at his phone in his hand, after Oikawa had hung up on him. He was sitting on his bed, it was early in the morning but still dark out there. An orange light glowed in Iwaizumi’s room, making everything brighter. The curtains were moving by the window, because he had opened them.

_“..Something great is coming..”_

Iwaizumi stared down at the phone.

_“..Why? Can you feel it..?”_

He dialed a phone number and he listened to its ring as he raised the phone over his ear again. He stood up from his bed and then began walking to the opened window. The purple curtain danced with the wind. It tickled his skin once he arrived andlaid his elbow on the little terrace. He was staring at the city beginning to wake up from their daze.

And then Ushijima picked up. “Hello?” His voice rang in his ears.

Iwaizumi spoke, lightly, wondering about life, wondering about restarts, wondering about fate, “Have you ever felt like something had to happen in your life in order for you to change?”

Ushijima went quiet for a while. Until he answered, Iwaizumi was patiently looking up to the sky, searching for clouds, already seeing the sun coloring it to yellow.

Then, Ushijima started with a soft voice, “It was raining one day and for some reason, I looked around. Everyone dressed the same, everyone moved the same. They moved to work and pulled up their umbrellas.”

Iwaizumi blinked slowly, closing his eyes. “And then?”

Ushijima took a deep breath. “And then I looked up and let it crash down.”

Iwaizumi felt a ghost of smile on his face. “Without an umbrella?”

“Without anything,” Iwaizumi could hear him smile as well. “I just stood there and let it rain. I knew then. I knew that something had changed.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t stop smiling, but then he heard Ushijima ask, “And you? Have you ever felt like something had to happen in your life in order for you to change?”

He began to think. He remembered everything that had happened in his life but the one that made him change, that made him realize what it was to live–

“When Seung began to perform in Park’s pub,” Iwaizumi whispered slowly. “When you knew how bad I was and held my hand. I realized there was something more to this life, there was something more to living than doing the same thing over and over again. Somehow my life, everything I knew, everything I did started changing at a dizzy rate. The scenery around me, the people around me. Everything just–”

“Began to be in motion,” Ushijima finished gently.

They were silent, watching the city wake up, the world beginning to move. But the truth was, the world never stopped moving.

They just couldn’t notice it before.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Iwaizumi’s voice was so loud, Oikawa thought Kageyama had heard it, too. He was so shocked, seeing him in front of him that he only hung up the phone after several minutes had passed. “Kageyama,” Oikawa began in a serious tone. “Why do you keep following me?”

This seemed to make Kageyama come back from his own bewilderment. “Huh?” He turned, confused and looked after the metro. “ _Fuck_ ,” his face darkened. He turned around and broke into a run.

Oikawa had no idea why he did what he did, after this. It might have been his insomnia, it might have been the weather, it might have been Iwaizumi’s earlier phone call, it might have been the look in Kageyama’s eyes.

_God knows why–_

But Oikawa ran after him.

He was running fast, trying to catch up to Kageyama, dashing up the stairs only to end up on the streets again, surrounded by millions, millions of people.

He stopped.

Feeling the soft breeze, the sky was dark blue, and the buildings lit up with gold, glowing with advertisements of beauty and youth, people looking up, looking everywhere – walking to somewhere, anywhere.

The crowd was filled with so many strangers and Oikawa still noticed Kageyama.

He was near, and Oikawa again, began running, faster and faster with whatever strength he could find. His lungs were on fire, his legs was starting to worn out, his knee was aching badly–

But Oikawa couldn’t stop.

Everything around him, everything that moved, everything that was only standing in one place, everything that was alive, everything that was decoration–

It was dizzy, new and so _bright_.

People jumped out of his way, they even looked back after him, seeing what he was up to, but he just ran. He ran and saw Kageyama turn left, so he did too, following him. “Wait!” Oikawa shouted.

Kageyama didn’t stop but eventually began to slow, and Oikawa realized why. There was a man in front of them with a woman, wearing rather expensive clothes. Kageyama, without hesitance, gripped the man by his shoulder and with a quick movement, flipped him to the ground.

Oikawa halted in his steps, eyes widening.

Kageyama looked _vicious._

The man tried to twist Kageyama’s arm, but the younger leaned closer to him, and the man froze. Just simply stopped, pale as the wall.

Oikawa had never seen such fear on someone’s face in all his life.

The man looked as if he was staring at the face of someone unholy.

_As if the devil was staring at him._

People around them began to panic – especially the women who was with the man, shouting, calling for help –, many stopped to gather around, either grabbing their phones to record it or to call the police, Oikawa didn’t know–

He saw a person trying to grab Kageyama’s shoulders to pull him off the man.

This felt like a fuel in his blood. A little match, a little sparks of fury.

Because even though he hated Kageyama, even though Kageyama always knew how to irritate him, even though he himself almost had hit him a long time ago–

Something in him snapped.

Oikawa moved in front of Kageyama, his long, black coat following his steps as he touched the wrist of the person and shoved him back. The person’s face turned red with anger as he came towards Oikawa, raising his fist to punch him.

Oikawa merely grabbed his jaw and pulled him close, feeling so much more alive than he had in a long time.

The person tried to get out of his hold, but Oikawa strengthened his grip, and hissed with something cold deep within, “Start walking.”

The man, for a moment, looked into his eyes. Oikawa had no idea what kind of face he had, what expression he wore–

But the man stropped struggling all together.

Oikawa shoved him back and the person fell on the ground. He didn’t even bother, he just turned back to Kageyama, seeing that he was already staring at him. Equally surprised as he had been a couple of minutes ago.

Oikawa also noticed that all the people who had been around them had backed away. The elegant, wealthy looking woman was talking with the man Kageyama had attacked. Both of them looked anxious, talking quietly – the man sometimes stealing glances at Kageyama who never let his eyes sway from the older man.

After a while, the woman hesitantly walked away. The man turned back to Kageyama and Oikawa noticed he was tense all over. Kageyama tilted his head and the man began walking. Oikawa followed them.

Once they had reached a dark alley, Kageyama stopped and looked at the man, who started _shaking_.

Oikawa couldn’t even hide his surprise anymore, not even if he wanted to.

“How did you know?” The man asked Kageyama, avoiding eye contact. “I’ve told no one.”

Kageyama was staring at this man with so much steel in his eyes, so much malice that Oikawa felt the blood froze in his veins.

This was a whole new person.

“People like you, Bill,” Kageyama said slowly, calmly. “There’s something in people like you. Let’s just say you _reek._ ”

Bill looked confused for a minute. “What?” He asked, his voice quivered. “I don’t understand.”

Kageyama kept staring at him and then said in a low voice, “You can’t hide forever now, Bill,” he turned around and passed by Oikawa, walking away. “I found you.”

Oikawa saw Bill crunch down to the ground, shaking and sobbing, his whole body breaking with the movement.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

That rapist's crying echoed in Kageyama’s mind, turning this infinite feeling of anger more and more, making him feel glorious and _pure_.

_Ah, it was addictive._

Making them squirm in fear, the danger, the rush, the feeling of _power_. Kageyama missed this so much, hunting blues like a demon roaming the streets for easy prey. He felt as if he could fly, as if he was so high up in the sky he could touch the stars.

_Such a wonderful feeling._

He felt someone’s eyes on him. He slightly turned his head and saw Oikawa.

Then his soul.

Black, fractured, almost even detached from him. Kageyama’s white one leaned away from him, absolutely disgusted.

“Who are you?” Oikawa spoke quietly with unreadable eyes.

Kageyama had no idea.

He remembered how he killed a man to save a little girl, he remembered how he saved a wedding, how he made sure Akira lived, how he met Ito, how he visited Park in a church, how he forgave his mother and gave Akihito a chance. He remembered meeting Tendou, his first friend in his life. He remembered meeting Ushijima, saving so many people, letting Hinata die and then bring him back, to fall in love and then losing it all at once.

He remembered the elevator, their hands reaching towards the same metro door, Oikawa stepping in to protect him from that man, turning slightly violent even.

“And you?” Kageyama asked in return, with the same tone. “Who are you?”

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Oikawa had no idea.

The only reason that he was still here was because of Iwaizumi. The only reason he was still walking this earth, trying to find a reason to live, trying to find a reason to stay and to have a longing for waiting for the sun to be up again just to start a new day was because of Iwaizumi.

Oikawa had no character, no goal, no motivation.

He had no idea who he was.

But he knew one thing.

Today, when he was running after Kageyama surrounded by the light of skyscrapers, bolting through millions of strangers of a crowd–

He felt something in him _ignite_.

For a little moment there, he felt

alive.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Kageyama’s eyes went round with wonder, as he saw Oikawa’s fractured, detached black soul heal, and blend into itself, creating a monumental brush stroke.

There were hundreds of light around them as they were standing there in the centre of the Times Square. People twirling, moving around like an endless circle, over and over again. Orange and yellow lights glowing from offices above the skyscrapers, purple from all the advertisement, laying on their skin like paint, and red bright light from all the traffic, sneaking into Oikawa’s hair, creating a halo.

He was not fractured anymore.

Oikawa’s soul was black and dark, lying on his wrist.

He was witnessing someone heal, seeing one of the darkest souls he had seen _, blend into itself and live._

It ignited something in him, in his old self that loved music, that felt he could do anything, that stood on a road talking to Ushijima.

For a little moment there, he felt

alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: This ending scene when Oikawa's soul changed, was the first scene I have ever imagined for this story. I genuinely think I haven't written a better scene so far. I still remember the song I imagined with it in 2018 December, here:
> 
> Click [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr_HIrfr7is)
> 
> I advise you guys to listen along with it because it's such an unearthly feeling. For the whole chapter even.
> 
> PS: Some people already figured it out but if you don't see what I'm planning, you might wanna look at those relationship tags :333333 I have updated them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys are triggered because of the tags - YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S COMING MUAHAHAH
> 
> PS: I fucking cried even tho I knew it was gonna happen rip :((((
> 
> ALSO I STRONGLY ADVISE TO REREAD THE WHOLE STORY BEFORE YOU CONTINUE READING AFTER CHAPTER 3!!!
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL AND PLS TELL ME HOW YOU LIKED IT :DDD


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